... up the scale.
Wrong direction... and yet, I'm not sad or unhappy about it. For once, I decided I wasn't going to move my ticker up for the 2.4 lb. gain (9.6 sticks of butter!). In my head, I know I will lose it again-- however I am all about "owning" my successes as well as my failures... so move the ticker I did.
And why am I not sad or unhappy or discouraged even by this action? Ah... here lies the secret: I made THE CHOICES. I decided to have that one slice of "SparkPeople" Pumpkin Roll... I decided to have the late night baked chips with my kids playing "Catch Phrase". I decided NOT to go on that long walk, rather spending the time playing with the granddaughters on the floor and putting them down for a nap. I decided to go the Belgium restaurant with my children (five of us total, Sarah had to stay home with the girls... we missed her!) and partake of those awesome Belgium Frites... (YUMMY! Do you know how long it's been since I have put a FRIED ANYTHING in my mouth?) and I was the one that decided to have that one, two, and maybe even three glasses of Belgium beer... Pretty good too... I must say, though I am not one to drink beer normally... I'm more a mixed cocktail or wine kind of girl... However, when in Rome....
So... choices. Isn't that what this journey is all about? The choices that we make... Whether they are good ones, or bad ones.. or just a choice for the moment... Living this lifestyle has made me understand that I have the choice... and I can accept the good, the bad... and the ugly 9.6 sticks of butter that is back on this body... And I can do something about those sticks.
A choice is just that... A choice. We don't have to stay in that moment. We can pick ourselves up and begin again... We have the CHOICE.
The one thing I love about SparkPeople is that I can eat what I've always eaten... I can have those mashed potatoes... I can eat my momma's fantastic Chili Spaghetti (updated with ground lean turkey!)... I don't have to change EVERYTHING about my food... I just have to make the CHOICE... to eat less, to eat healthier, exercise more...
And... even though I went up on the ticker... I still fit into my size 16 jeans!
Making the CHOICE to begin this journey... and to make the lifestyle change... has been the BEST CHOICE... I've ever made!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
10 Months and time to...
... change my goals!
As I sat at my desk this morning, it hit me... I've been on this journey for 10 months today. Where did the time go? 10 months has passed? How is that possible? But possible it is... Well, actually it is a fact. Ten months ago today... I logged onto SP for the first time and made the decision to change my life and I began this journey.
And today... I am having to change my goals. I realized this morning that I am not going to be at my goal weight by my 50th birthday, which is in February. Having realized this... I immediately became depressed. Not that I haven't ever had to change my goals on my Start page... because I have... HOWEVER, never have I had to change them this drastically.
So after I picked myself up off the floor from my depression, I decided that perhaps this is not such a bad thing... though my goals are now a bit further down the road, there are still goals in place. And that, for a gal that bores easily and often changes her mind, is a very good thing!
I first thought of changing my ticker for a larger weight at goal... I could still be at my goal weight (though different than first goal) by my 50th birthday if I just add a few pounds (who am I kidding?) to the ole ticker and moved my weight loss goal date a couple of weeks down the calendar... I could still make my goal... even if the goal would show a few more pounds than I had originally set on my ticker.
So... I did that. After I changed my goal weight, I felt somewhat relieved and I thought to mself, "Yes! I can still make my goal by my birthday!"
That was short lived... My heart promptly took over my thought process and said to my head..."You aren't owning your actions. You aren't being true."
And I realized my heart was right... (It normally is.) I wasn't "owning" my current weight, I wasn't "owning" my success and I definitely wasn't "owning" my lack of success (I hate the word "failures"). And, just for the record... I wasn't being true to my family or my SparkFriends, but more importantly, I was not being true to myself.
And so... I changed my goal weight back to my original goal weight AND in order to achieve this... I had to change my goal date... to April 1st, 2009. THAT is a long way from February 15th, which was my last goal date... A very long way... And it seems like it is a VERY FAR DATE in the future.
Questions arise in my head: Why haven't I succeeded more? What have I done or not done that has kept me from this goal? And why, oh why... is my momma always right? "Time passes more quickly the older you get", she would say... And who knew?
Who knew that ten months would pass by so quickly? And what do I have to show for the passing of the last ten months?
*I have lost a total of 67 lbs. Not near what I thought I'd have off by now, but still 268 sticks of butter and 67 lbs. more than I would have lost had I NOT begun this journey!
*I have much more energy. No longer do I go home, change into my pj's and veg out in front of the television.
*I have had to give up most of my clothing... for smaller sizes... How wonderful is that?
*I can get on the floor with my granddaughters and play - and I can get up! (Which, by the way, is very important!)
*I can stand in front of my mirror now - and not cringe! My body isn't where I want it to be, but it is so much better than 43.57 weeks ago!
*I have great bone structure... WHO KNEW?
*I have a waist.. WHO KNEW?
*I can splurge on some treat (normally chocolate!) AND get back on track immediately!
*I am proud of my accomplishments though they have perhaps been slower than what SP recommended... I'm still here... still walking my journey, and I haven't turned around yet!
*I have more self esteem, self reliance and I am more outspoken (is that possible?).
*I own a bicycle, Walk Away the Pounds DVD's, ZUMBA DVD's AND a Wii Fit! AND I USE THEM... Hey, WHO KNEW?
And, most importantly... This journey has changed my life.
So, yes... I've had to change my goal date... disappointing and depressing to say the least. However, on a positive note... I'm not going anywhere... I have the rest of my life to be on this journey... Even if I would have made my original goal date... I'm not going to end this journey once I get there.... so as they say... It's not the destination but the journey along the way... and I have learned much in ten months...
I've changed my goal date.. but more importantly... I've changed my life!
As I sat at my desk this morning, it hit me... I've been on this journey for 10 months today. Where did the time go? 10 months has passed? How is that possible? But possible it is... Well, actually it is a fact. Ten months ago today... I logged onto SP for the first time and made the decision to change my life and I began this journey.
And today... I am having to change my goals. I realized this morning that I am not going to be at my goal weight by my 50th birthday, which is in February. Having realized this... I immediately became depressed. Not that I haven't ever had to change my goals on my Start page... because I have... HOWEVER, never have I had to change them this drastically.
So after I picked myself up off the floor from my depression, I decided that perhaps this is not such a bad thing... though my goals are now a bit further down the road, there are still goals in place. And that, for a gal that bores easily and often changes her mind, is a very good thing!
I first thought of changing my ticker for a larger weight at goal... I could still be at my goal weight (though different than first goal) by my 50th birthday if I just add a few pounds (who am I kidding?) to the ole ticker and moved my weight loss goal date a couple of weeks down the calendar... I could still make my goal... even if the goal would show a few more pounds than I had originally set on my ticker.
So... I did that. After I changed my goal weight, I felt somewhat relieved and I thought to mself, "Yes! I can still make my goal by my birthday!"
That was short lived... My heart promptly took over my thought process and said to my head..."You aren't owning your actions. You aren't being true."
And I realized my heart was right... (It normally is.) I wasn't "owning" my current weight, I wasn't "owning" my success and I definitely wasn't "owning" my lack of success (I hate the word "failures"). And, just for the record... I wasn't being true to my family or my SparkFriends, but more importantly, I was not being true to myself.
And so... I changed my goal weight back to my original goal weight AND in order to achieve this... I had to change my goal date... to April 1st, 2009. THAT is a long way from February 15th, which was my last goal date... A very long way... And it seems like it is a VERY FAR DATE in the future.
Questions arise in my head: Why haven't I succeeded more? What have I done or not done that has kept me from this goal? And why, oh why... is my momma always right? "Time passes more quickly the older you get", she would say... And who knew?
Who knew that ten months would pass by so quickly? And what do I have to show for the passing of the last ten months?
*I have lost a total of 67 lbs. Not near what I thought I'd have off by now, but still 268 sticks of butter and 67 lbs. more than I would have lost had I NOT begun this journey!
*I have much more energy. No longer do I go home, change into my pj's and veg out in front of the television.
*I have had to give up most of my clothing... for smaller sizes... How wonderful is that?
*I can get on the floor with my granddaughters and play - and I can get up! (Which, by the way, is very important!)
*I can stand in front of my mirror now - and not cringe! My body isn't where I want it to be, but it is so much better than 43.57 weeks ago!
*I have great bone structure... WHO KNEW?
*I have a waist.. WHO KNEW?
*I can splurge on some treat (normally chocolate!) AND get back on track immediately!
*I am proud of my accomplishments though they have perhaps been slower than what SP recommended... I'm still here... still walking my journey, and I haven't turned around yet!
*I have more self esteem, self reliance and I am more outspoken (is that possible?).
*I own a bicycle, Walk Away the Pounds DVD's, ZUMBA DVD's AND a Wii Fit! AND I USE THEM... Hey, WHO KNEW?
And, most importantly... This journey has changed my life.
So, yes... I've had to change my goal date... disappointing and depressing to say the least. However, on a positive note... I'm not going anywhere... I have the rest of my life to be on this journey... Even if I would have made my original goal date... I'm not going to end this journey once I get there.... so as they say... It's not the destination but the journey along the way... and I have learned much in ten months...
I've changed my goal date.. but more importantly... I've changed my life!
Thursday, October 23, 2008
**Warning: My opinion follows...
**For those of you reading the following.... and are of the "younger generation", please don't be offended by my following blog. I am feeling very old tonight..." -- MsKelley
A new chapter... is opening. For those of you that know me... You know I have been working with my employer for six years now... I do inside sales and am currently the sales director over two outside salesmen. As of tomorrow, that will become one outside salesman. At 5 pm, salesman #9, will be going out the door, never to return.
And yes... You read that right. He is Number 9. The 9th salesperson that I have worked with in six years. The ninth.
And I? I am tired. I am tired of training. I am tired of being the strong one in the workplace. I am tired of being the one salesperson that brings in the money. I am tired.
What is wrong with this younger generation? Why don't they want to work for a living? Why do they want everything handed to them, as my momma would say, "on a silver platter"? Why can't we find someone that actually wants to work? AND why am I the very last GREAT salesperson we've hired?
So... as of tomorrow, we lose yet another salesperson. Number 9, which is in itself very sad.. but the one thing that I find sadder than the loss of this employee, is that he is capable. He has potential. He has a good personality. He has a great opportunity, and he is throwing it all away.
And why? Because he doesn't want to work an 8 - 5 job. Because he doesn't want to have to be responsible. Because he wants an easy path.
He's young. He wants to be lazy. He wants the high salary but he doesn't want to dress the part (literally).
He has the best opportunity here and he is throwing it all away. For what? Sleep? My momma always said there were things to do and I could "sleep when I'm 80!" And she is right. As always.
But why do some young people seem to think that the road is paved in gold? Why do they seem to think that they deserve everything without having to work for anything?
And when... when did I get this old?
A new chapter... is opening. For those of you that know me... You know I have been working with my employer for six years now... I do inside sales and am currently the sales director over two outside salesmen. As of tomorrow, that will become one outside salesman. At 5 pm, salesman #9, will be going out the door, never to return.
And yes... You read that right. He is Number 9. The 9th salesperson that I have worked with in six years. The ninth.
And I? I am tired. I am tired of training. I am tired of being the strong one in the workplace. I am tired of being the one salesperson that brings in the money. I am tired.
What is wrong with this younger generation? Why don't they want to work for a living? Why do they want everything handed to them, as my momma would say, "on a silver platter"? Why can't we find someone that actually wants to work? AND why am I the very last GREAT salesperson we've hired?
So... as of tomorrow, we lose yet another salesperson. Number 9, which is in itself very sad.. but the one thing that I find sadder than the loss of this employee, is that he is capable. He has potential. He has a good personality. He has a great opportunity, and he is throwing it all away.
And why? Because he doesn't want to work an 8 - 5 job. Because he doesn't want to have to be responsible. Because he wants an easy path.
He's young. He wants to be lazy. He wants the high salary but he doesn't want to dress the part (literally).
He has the best opportunity here and he is throwing it all away. For what? Sleep? My momma always said there were things to do and I could "sleep when I'm 80!" And she is right. As always.
But why do some young people seem to think that the road is paved in gold? Why do they seem to think that they deserve everything without having to work for anything?
And when... when did I get this old?
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Having your cake....
... and eating it too! This past Saturday, 10/11/08, was my 9th month anniversary on SparkPeople! What an amazing journey and adventure this has been!
Unaware that this was my anniversary on SP... we traveled (we.. being my brother, Ben (no, he's not lost any weight to speak of), his wife, Debbie, Abby (baby in the picture), Bekah (NannyBekah to those of you on SP), DBF & myself) traveled to my mom's to celebrate Abby's very 1st birthday! And what did we have... oh, yeah... cake.
Now most of the time, probably 99.8% of the time, I can pass up the sugary, fattening, totally off limit desserts that "normal" people have every day... But special events... like Abby's first birthday? Nah.. can't pass that up, besides... as you can see by Abby's picture above.... the cake was SCRUMPTIOUS!
And the entire piece I ate... was delicious! I lavished every bite... and then the nibble I had here and there as we were cleaning up the room after the party... Let me tell you... IT WAS THE BEST CAKE EVER!
Had I realized that this particular day was the 9th month anniversary of my decision to change my body and my life... I might not have taken that slice of cake... and enjoyed that little (or not so little actually) slice of heaven...
But... of all the things I have learned on this 9 month journey... it's that YOU CAN HAVE YOUR CAKE... and eat it too... YOU just have to have your cake... in moderation... and then... get back on track...
That slice of cake was so worth it... and just in case you live in my town... "Celebrations by Sonja" has the best cake ever!!!! In fact, I can't wait till my birthday party in February... Turning 50 years old will have it's good points... Guess where we're getting the cake?
Unaware that this was my anniversary on SP... we traveled (we.. being my brother, Ben (no, he's not lost any weight to speak of), his wife, Debbie, Abby (baby in the picture), Bekah (NannyBekah to those of you on SP), DBF & myself) traveled to my mom's to celebrate Abby's very 1st birthday! And what did we have... oh, yeah... cake.
Now most of the time, probably 99.8% of the time, I can pass up the sugary, fattening, totally off limit desserts that "normal" people have every day... But special events... like Abby's first birthday? Nah.. can't pass that up, besides... as you can see by Abby's picture above.... the cake was SCRUMPTIOUS!
And the entire piece I ate... was delicious! I lavished every bite... and then the nibble I had here and there as we were cleaning up the room after the party... Let me tell you... IT WAS THE BEST CAKE EVER!
Had I realized that this particular day was the 9th month anniversary of my decision to change my body and my life... I might not have taken that slice of cake... and enjoyed that little (or not so little actually) slice of heaven...
But... of all the things I have learned on this 9 month journey... it's that YOU CAN HAVE YOUR CAKE... and eat it too... YOU just have to have your cake... in moderation... and then... get back on track...
That slice of cake was so worth it... and just in case you live in my town... "Celebrations by Sonja" has the best cake ever!!!! In fact, I can't wait till my birthday party in February... Turning 50 years old will have it's good points... Guess where we're getting the cake?
Friday, September 19, 2008
All in a lunch break...
... what goes good with a new ipod, lunch break, a nice walk around the block ... ???
How about getting stopped by a man in a pick up truck who thinks you look good walking and who says you look like a gal who likes to have fun so he thought he'd stop and see if you wanted to go have a drink?
Yep. That's it. That's what happened to me on my lunch break today. TODAY. My SECOND day with my ipod... a walk around the block... and a man tries to pick me up. Not a really cute man, either.... had he been cute, I might have been late returning from lunch... (now that's funny!)
Well... I guess you are DYING to know what I said to him? I told him that I was flattered and so appreciated the compliment howeverI had to get back to work...
That iPod's paying off already...
How about getting stopped by a man in a pick up truck who thinks you look good walking and who says you look like a gal who likes to have fun so he thought he'd stop and see if you wanted to go have a drink?
Yep. That's it. That's what happened to me on my lunch break today. TODAY. My SECOND day with my ipod... a walk around the block... and a man tries to pick me up. Not a really cute man, either.... had he been cute, I might have been late returning from lunch... (now that's funny!)
Well... I guess you are DYING to know what I said to him? I told him that I was flattered and so appreciated the compliment howeverI had to get back to work...
That iPod's paying off already...
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Reward time... Finally!
... SparkPeople suggests you give yourself small rewards as you travel the road to weightloss success... I've given myself a few along my journey... a new pair of shoes, a necklace... a new outfit...
When I reached my 50 lb. goal... I thought I needed to give myself a GREAT reward... What to do? Before I could decide, I had made it to 55 lbs. off... Still I hadn't given myself a reward... I thought of a "journey" necklace... seemed appropriate... Still... days and days went by... Until last week.
Last week I started biking more, walking more... and my little $6 radio kept skipping and losing my station... every time I hit a bump in the road... So... I decided... I'm gonna buy myself a good MP3 player... That's what I'm gonna do... So.. without much thought... I talked to my son, Dan, and promptly ordered a iPod Nano... yep. I did.
I've been nervous about getting it for days... Can I do this? Am I smart enough to figure this new technology out?? (Not so new, but to me... very new!) Can I do it myself?? Or will I have to have help? (I did have to have help opening the package! Wow... what packing!)
It arrived yesterday... I anxiously opened the package... it was like Christmas... I was so excited... Rushed home... plugged it in to the computer... began reading info... and guess what???
IT IS THE MOST AWESOME REWARD EVER!!!! Oh, my gosh... I did it! I'm listening to it right now... It is the most awesome thing ever!!! What a reward... what a gift for my biking and walking... wow... this is going to make it so much nicer... AND I've already "danced" to two songs!!! That can't hurt either!! I've never been so excited....
Thanks Dan for the suggestion... Thanks Bekah for believing that I COULD DO THIS... and thanks... Apple!
When I reached my 50 lb. goal... I thought I needed to give myself a GREAT reward... What to do? Before I could decide, I had made it to 55 lbs. off... Still I hadn't given myself a reward... I thought of a "journey" necklace... seemed appropriate... Still... days and days went by... Until last week.
Last week I started biking more, walking more... and my little $6 radio kept skipping and losing my station... every time I hit a bump in the road... So... I decided... I'm gonna buy myself a good MP3 player... That's what I'm gonna do... So.. without much thought... I talked to my son, Dan, and promptly ordered a iPod Nano... yep. I did.
I've been nervous about getting it for days... Can I do this? Am I smart enough to figure this new technology out?? (Not so new, but to me... very new!) Can I do it myself?? Or will I have to have help? (I did have to have help opening the package! Wow... what packing!)
It arrived yesterday... I anxiously opened the package... it was like Christmas... I was so excited... Rushed home... plugged it in to the computer... began reading info... and guess what???
IT IS THE MOST AWESOME REWARD EVER!!!! Oh, my gosh... I did it! I'm listening to it right now... It is the most awesome thing ever!!! What a reward... what a gift for my biking and walking... wow... this is going to make it so much nicer... AND I've already "danced" to two songs!!! That can't hurt either!! I've never been so excited....
Thanks Dan for the suggestion... Thanks Bekah for believing that I COULD DO THIS... and thanks... Apple!
Thursday, September 4, 2008
You name it... I ate it...
... and I don't even have a good reason as to why... and why am I writing this blog about my most recent lapse in food intake? Because I am insisting on "owning" my mistakes as well as my successes... It's the only way I believe that I can be accountable for what I am doing.
Oh, I could go on about my day today... as if last night didn't happen. No one would ever know... except me. However, that is not how I am... so here I am spilling my guts...
Last night... well, let me preface this by saying work yesterday was unbelievable. Things are happening there that... just should not be happening in the year 2008! Having said that... I was not in the best mood last night so BF decided we would go out to dinner. Which was nice, by the way.
After dinner, arrived home... and we began relaxing and watching the new episodes of Prison Break.... and that's when my demise began.
Was I hungry? No.. in fact, I was full from dinner... but I wanted something sweet... just a little nibble I thought... So I had a small rice krispy treat.. only 90 calories... no harm there.
Prison Break (first two episodes) made me nervous... suspense was killing me... so what did I do? I grabbed something else... and then something else... and before I knew it... I had eaten WAY more than I needed to and all because of a suspenseful show and nothing to do with my hands?
Perhaps. However, I believe there is an underlying culprit. I am a tad depressed. I am a tad sad. I am a tad overloaded at work and I believe... that I let that take over my sanity last night.
Now having "owned" my behavior of last night... Having written it down here... I, am hoping I will somehow forgive myself... for that lapse... and I will pick myself up today... dust myself off... and continue on the most amazing lifestyle journey change that I have ever been on...
It's 7:45 a.m. and so far ... so good!
Oh, I could go on about my day today... as if last night didn't happen. No one would ever know... except me. However, that is not how I am... so here I am spilling my guts...
Last night... well, let me preface this by saying work yesterday was unbelievable. Things are happening there that... just should not be happening in the year 2008! Having said that... I was not in the best mood last night so BF decided we would go out to dinner. Which was nice, by the way.
After dinner, arrived home... and we began relaxing and watching the new episodes of Prison Break.... and that's when my demise began.
Was I hungry? No.. in fact, I was full from dinner... but I wanted something sweet... just a little nibble I thought... So I had a small rice krispy treat.. only 90 calories... no harm there.
Prison Break (first two episodes) made me nervous... suspense was killing me... so what did I do? I grabbed something else... and then something else... and before I knew it... I had eaten WAY more than I needed to and all because of a suspenseful show and nothing to do with my hands?
Perhaps. However, I believe there is an underlying culprit. I am a tad depressed. I am a tad sad. I am a tad overloaded at work and I believe... that I let that take over my sanity last night.
Now having "owned" my behavior of last night... Having written it down here... I, am hoping I will somehow forgive myself... for that lapse... and I will pick myself up today... dust myself off... and continue on the most amazing lifestyle journey change that I have ever been on...
It's 7:45 a.m. and so far ... so good!
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
What's Wrong With Me?
.... and why am I in a funk and why can't I get my head back in the weight loss game?
I have no idea. Normally when I slide.... I jump back on the wagon and I'm fine. This time.. though I am eating the "right" things, I seem to be eating either more than I should... or not the proper amount of the right things. I just can't seem to get my head wrapped around it all...
And frankly I am terribly disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed that I have worked so hard and that currently I just seem to have a "whatever" attitude...
I am disappointed that though I get up every day and start over... I'm not in the game like I should be...
I am disappointed that I have worked so hard for 8 months and lately... well, I just don't seem to care.
Perhaps my head has finally won over my heart? I am not sure what is going on... I just don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired.
I'm tired of watching every bite I eat.
I'm tired of wondering if this is my 2nd or 3rd bottle of water...
I'm tired of wondering what I'm going to have for breakfast or lunch or dinner or snacks...
I'm tired of logging on and posting my food intake and scrolling down at the end of the day to see that for the 3rd or 4th day in a roll.. I've gone over my calorie intake.
I'm tired... of being so focused on this...
I'm just... plain tired.
I've tried to figure out what is wrong. I've started "fast track" over..... hasn't helped anything that I can tell....
I feel... disappointed in myself and totally confused ...
Maybe I'm just hormonal? Maybe I'm just totally stressed to the max?
Maybe... I shouldn't make excuses.... I just am not sure where to go from here... I feel lost.
I have no idea. Normally when I slide.... I jump back on the wagon and I'm fine. This time.. though I am eating the "right" things, I seem to be eating either more than I should... or not the proper amount of the right things. I just can't seem to get my head wrapped around it all...
And frankly I am terribly disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed that I have worked so hard and that currently I just seem to have a "whatever" attitude...
I am disappointed that though I get up every day and start over... I'm not in the game like I should be...
I am disappointed that I have worked so hard for 8 months and lately... well, I just don't seem to care.
Perhaps my head has finally won over my heart? I am not sure what is going on... I just don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired.
I'm tired of watching every bite I eat.
I'm tired of wondering if this is my 2nd or 3rd bottle of water...
I'm tired of wondering what I'm going to have for breakfast or lunch or dinner or snacks...
I'm tired of logging on and posting my food intake and scrolling down at the end of the day to see that for the 3rd or 4th day in a roll.. I've gone over my calorie intake.
I'm tired... of being so focused on this...
I'm just... plain tired.
I've tried to figure out what is wrong. I've started "fast track" over..... hasn't helped anything that I can tell....
I feel... disappointed in myself and totally confused ...
Maybe I'm just hormonal? Maybe I'm just totally stressed to the max?
Maybe... I shouldn't make excuses.... I just am not sure where to go from here... I feel lost.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Pay the Piper...
... that's what my momma always said. If you are going to play... you have to pay the piper... and play we did!
Bekah and I had a weekend away to St. Louis to meet my grandbabies (and their parents!) and what started out as great intentions... well, let's just say, I didn't stay on my lifestyle journey track... ha!
I think, this is the first time... in my 224 days of lifestyle change that I absolutely threw caution to the wind... Well, okay, I didn't throw all caution to the wind... I've worked to hard to do that...but I didn't stay on track all the time, and furthermore.. I didn't really worry to much about NOT being on track.
That's a bit strange for me... as this journey has been utmost in my mind during these weeks of change... but alas, I was on vacation. I had my grandbabies... the girls (me, Bekah and my daughter in law, Sarah) went out for "grown up beverages" one night... and ended up having.. well, a couple and some REAL chocolate desserts thrown in for good measure...
So... as momma always said... NOW I am paying the piper. I got on the scale this morning... Up 1.7 lbs.
And as I type that, I have to laugh... it was the best 1.7 lbs. I've ever gained! Lunch at The Hill, shopping, swimming, breakfast with the kids, The Magic House, lunch, nap, dinner at Fitz's, swimming, girls night out, breakfast, Grant's Farm... it was an amazing weekend and the very best 6.8 sticks of butter I've ever gained!
And though I now have to "pay the piper" and get these sticks off of this body... I have no regrets.
Would I do it again? Oh, yeah... in a heartbeat... and probably will over Labor Day when I go to Nashville to see my other son and his wife...
I'm saving my change now... to "pay the piper".
Bekah and I had a weekend away to St. Louis to meet my grandbabies (and their parents!) and what started out as great intentions... well, let's just say, I didn't stay on my lifestyle journey track... ha!
I think, this is the first time... in my 224 days of lifestyle change that I absolutely threw caution to the wind... Well, okay, I didn't throw all caution to the wind... I've worked to hard to do that...but I didn't stay on track all the time, and furthermore.. I didn't really worry to much about NOT being on track.
That's a bit strange for me... as this journey has been utmost in my mind during these weeks of change... but alas, I was on vacation. I had my grandbabies... the girls (me, Bekah and my daughter in law, Sarah) went out for "grown up beverages" one night... and ended up having.. well, a couple and some REAL chocolate desserts thrown in for good measure...
So... as momma always said... NOW I am paying the piper. I got on the scale this morning... Up 1.7 lbs.
And as I type that, I have to laugh... it was the best 1.7 lbs. I've ever gained! Lunch at The Hill, shopping, swimming, breakfast with the kids, The Magic House, lunch, nap, dinner at Fitz's, swimming, girls night out, breakfast, Grant's Farm... it was an amazing weekend and the very best 6.8 sticks of butter I've ever gained!
And though I now have to "pay the piper" and get these sticks off of this body... I have no regrets.
Would I do it again? Oh, yeah... in a heartbeat... and probably will over Labor Day when I go to Nashville to see my other son and his wife...
I'm saving my change now... to "pay the piper".
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Journaling though I'm not in the mood....
... I'm told journaling helps you get through whatever is going on in your head... I'm not sure what is going on in between these ears of mine, but here goes... fingertips to keyboard... and we'll see what comes up.
Life is changing for me... I'm "shrinking" on the outside and my world is seemingly expanding on the inside... Not sure what quite is happening except the world is opening up again for me... perhaps my own self closed the world a few years ago... but now... well, it is knocking on my door and I can't seem to keep from opening it... nor do I really want to.
My mind is ever busy... Work, home, walk, bike ride, bed, work... and my self... my inner self... is changing... or perhaps not really changing but reverting back to the me I was years ago...
I'm more outgoing than I remember being for awhile.. and that... well, is outgoing as I have always (since early marriage, anyway) been very outgoing. I'm outspoken, which, as you know is not always a good thing... I'm more self confident... I'm self assured... I am loving who I am seeing in the mirror and who I am becoming... or perhaps I should say, who I am returning to.
I am being flirted with more often now... and that is strange... and yet exciting all at the same time. I think it is awfully nice to be appreciated and to be told you look great... you're sexy... and to see yourself in someone else's eyes... It's been a very, very long time...
Sigh. Almost 50 years old.. and finally finding me... ?
Life is changing for me... I'm "shrinking" on the outside and my world is seemingly expanding on the inside... Not sure what quite is happening except the world is opening up again for me... perhaps my own self closed the world a few years ago... but now... well, it is knocking on my door and I can't seem to keep from opening it... nor do I really want to.
My mind is ever busy... Work, home, walk, bike ride, bed, work... and my self... my inner self... is changing... or perhaps not really changing but reverting back to the me I was years ago...
I'm more outgoing than I remember being for awhile.. and that... well, is outgoing as I have always (since early marriage, anyway) been very outgoing. I'm outspoken, which, as you know is not always a good thing... I'm more self confident... I'm self assured... I am loving who I am seeing in the mirror and who I am becoming... or perhaps I should say, who I am returning to.
I am being flirted with more often now... and that is strange... and yet exciting all at the same time. I think it is awfully nice to be appreciated and to be told you look great... you're sexy... and to see yourself in someone else's eyes... It's been a very, very long time...
Sigh. Almost 50 years old.. and finally finding me... ?
Monday, July 21, 2008
Changes in my Closet...
... and in me. For the last few weeks I have steadily been going through my closet... pulling out items of clothing that I can no longer wear. For once, I'm removing these items from my closet because they are to BIG for me... NOT because I am TO BIG for them... THIS is an interesting change of events.
About a week ago, I had laid out all these clothes in the spare room and had put them in "piles": Jeans, t-shirts, sweaters, dresses, blouses, etc. During this time consuming task, I had not one, not two, but three entire melt downs.
I, literally, felt scared. Scared to be losing these clothes... scared of the layers that have come off of my body, and scared to get rid of, what I guess, I never fully understood, was my security blanket?
Could that really possibly be? Since when did I need a security blanket? Me? The totally independent, outgoing, vivacious, funny, humorous, life of the party, sort of gal? When did that happen? When did I allow myself to be swallowed up by my weight and allow myself to disappear inside of me?
So... I melted. I cried. I weeped. I could not coherently put into words what I was feeling. I am proud of my journey. I'm proud of the accomplishments I have made in six short months... however, I was scared of what getting rid of these clothes meant.
What if I got rid of them and then tomorrow woke up and this was just a dream and I was still as heavy as when I first began? What if I got rid of these clothes and then... I gained all of this weight back? What if...
And so it was... this past Saturday... I took a giant step... I got rid of a lot of these clothes. About 68 items of clothing are now gone from my spare bedroom. 68 items. That's A LOT OF CLOTHES.. and I still have more clothes laying on the bed...
For those of you that don't really know me... I am such a clothes horse.. Clothes and shoes. Well, I was a clothes horse... Now my closet is very.. empty. There are not many clothes hanging in there... Not anymore.
While my friend was "shopping" my bigger clothes.... I felt ... sad. A few items of clothing that I loved... simply loved... like my denim jacket, my polka dot dress, the new swimsuit I just bought last year and never really got to wear... was leaving my home. Never to return. And I felt sad.
And proud. Proud of what I was giving up... Proud of my accomplishments so far, proud of what the future holds... for me... in smaller clothes!
And though I may not have many clothes hanging up in my closet... I now have a couple of new favorites... And thankfully, my shoes still fit!
About a week ago, I had laid out all these clothes in the spare room and had put them in "piles": Jeans, t-shirts, sweaters, dresses, blouses, etc. During this time consuming task, I had not one, not two, but three entire melt downs.
I, literally, felt scared. Scared to be losing these clothes... scared of the layers that have come off of my body, and scared to get rid of, what I guess, I never fully understood, was my security blanket?
Could that really possibly be? Since when did I need a security blanket? Me? The totally independent, outgoing, vivacious, funny, humorous, life of the party, sort of gal? When did that happen? When did I allow myself to be swallowed up by my weight and allow myself to disappear inside of me?
So... I melted. I cried. I weeped. I could not coherently put into words what I was feeling. I am proud of my journey. I'm proud of the accomplishments I have made in six short months... however, I was scared of what getting rid of these clothes meant.
What if I got rid of them and then tomorrow woke up and this was just a dream and I was still as heavy as when I first began? What if I got rid of these clothes and then... I gained all of this weight back? What if...
And so it was... this past Saturday... I took a giant step... I got rid of a lot of these clothes. About 68 items of clothing are now gone from my spare bedroom. 68 items. That's A LOT OF CLOTHES.. and I still have more clothes laying on the bed...
For those of you that don't really know me... I am such a clothes horse.. Clothes and shoes. Well, I was a clothes horse... Now my closet is very.. empty. There are not many clothes hanging in there... Not anymore.
While my friend was "shopping" my bigger clothes.... I felt ... sad. A few items of clothing that I loved... simply loved... like my denim jacket, my polka dot dress, the new swimsuit I just bought last year and never really got to wear... was leaving my home. Never to return. And I felt sad.
And proud. Proud of what I was giving up... Proud of my accomplishments so far, proud of what the future holds... for me... in smaller clothes!
And though I may not have many clothes hanging up in my closet... I now have a couple of new favorites... And thankfully, my shoes still fit!
Monday, July 14, 2008
Six Months & 200 sticks of butter!
Friday, July 11th, was my 6th month anniversary on SparkPeople. Wow. It is hard to believe that it has been so long since I started this lifestyle journey change and yet... it seems like just yesterday.
The things that have changed are mostly, well, visible changes. As of Friday, 7/11, I have lost 50 lbs.!! Or rather... as I like to say.... TWO HUNDRED STICKS OF BUTTER! Yes...200, 1/4 lb. sticks of butter have melted away from this, still rather, "fluffy" body of mine... 200 sticks!
"Melted" is a rather "easy" sounding word... it hasn't been easy. Nothing in life that you really want or desire comes easy, as we know... however, for me, melted means gone, and these sticks are definitely gone from my body!
As each one has melted away, surprises have emerged... My neck. My collar bone. I have definition in my hands and wrists. I can see my toes when I look down now... Simple things.. Good things!
I still have a long way to go. I still can't look at the LARGE number of weight I want to lose. A couple of days ago, a friend asked me how much more I wanted to lose... I thought before I answered... thinking... "Can't she tell I still have A LOT to go?"
I didn't answer right away... instead, I stopped and wondered if I dare to say it outloud.
Slowly, I decided.... I've grown. I've changed. I can "OWN" what I need to lose...
So I said those fateful words... The shock look on her face told me what my heart rate already knew...
I couldn't handle it. My breathing still hasn't returned to normal.. And I still have a huge lump in my throat when I think about that number...
So... Maybe I haven't grown enough yet to "OWN" that number... however, I do "own" this: I've lost 50 lbs. FIFTY POUNDS -- 200 sticks of butter... and in the process I have gained so much:
I'm happier now!
I have ENERGY!
I have bones I haven't seen in YEARS!
I have more self esteem!
I believe in me more now!
I actually have been the recipient of FLIRTING!
I smile more now!
And slowly...
I'm looking better and better NAKED!
The things that have changed are mostly, well, visible changes. As of Friday, 7/11, I have lost 50 lbs.!! Or rather... as I like to say.... TWO HUNDRED STICKS OF BUTTER! Yes...200, 1/4 lb. sticks of butter have melted away from this, still rather, "fluffy" body of mine... 200 sticks!
"Melted" is a rather "easy" sounding word... it hasn't been easy. Nothing in life that you really want or desire comes easy, as we know... however, for me, melted means gone, and these sticks are definitely gone from my body!
As each one has melted away, surprises have emerged... My neck. My collar bone. I have definition in my hands and wrists. I can see my toes when I look down now... Simple things.. Good things!
I still have a long way to go. I still can't look at the LARGE number of weight I want to lose. A couple of days ago, a friend asked me how much more I wanted to lose... I thought before I answered... thinking... "Can't she tell I still have A LOT to go?"
I didn't answer right away... instead, I stopped and wondered if I dare to say it outloud.
Slowly, I decided.... I've grown. I've changed. I can "OWN" what I need to lose...
So I said those fateful words... The shock look on her face told me what my heart rate already knew...
I couldn't handle it. My breathing still hasn't returned to normal.. And I still have a huge lump in my throat when I think about that number...
So... Maybe I haven't grown enough yet to "OWN" that number... however, I do "own" this: I've lost 50 lbs. FIFTY POUNDS -- 200 sticks of butter... and in the process I have gained so much:
I'm happier now!
I have ENERGY!
I have bones I haven't seen in YEARS!
I have more self esteem!
I believe in me more now!
I actually have been the recipient of FLIRTING!
I smile more now!
And slowly...
I'm looking better and better NAKED!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
In a Funk...
I am on a local Spark Team called "Springfield Sparkers". We have been together now... well, basically since I began this lifestyle journey change back in January of 2008 (seems so very long ago now...). We have bonded together in a force like none other. We are there for each other through the good losses, the bad gains, the standstills... We have patted each other on the back when needed and given each other a swift kick in the butt when that is well deserved too. Many us have been doing this for several months... and now, we find ourselves... in a funk.
I am not sure what it is. I attibute my being in a funk, to my being on this journey steadfast for months and I am tired. I'm tired of watching every bite I eat, I'm tired of knowing I SHOULD exercise, I'm tired of wanting something to eat but nothing "sounds" good... I am tired of having to "THINK" about what I am going to eat... I am tired of having to plan my food... frankly I am tired of being tired...
And though I am in a funk... Still I have held on... I guess, for me... I have that next "mini" goal in mind. It is important for me to make that goal. I know I may have to revamp that mini goal as the days go by. I know I may not succeed... but for me, having "mini" goals has helped tremendously. If I were to look at the big picture... (which I did a minute ago and my heart rate STILL hasn't gone back down!), I am not sure I would bother!
So.. though I am in a funk... though my head says I'm tired and I just don't want to do this anymore... My heart continues to try to succeed.
I try to look at what is different... what is changing on my body and even more importantly, what is changing in MY mind... I see myself differently... I feel as my body is losing stick after stick of butter (now a total of 188 sticks!) that my inner being is resurfacing after having been buried for so long! And the good news is now... I have a NECK!
I am not sure what it is. I attibute my being in a funk, to my being on this journey steadfast for months and I am tired. I'm tired of watching every bite I eat, I'm tired of knowing I SHOULD exercise, I'm tired of wanting something to eat but nothing "sounds" good... I am tired of having to "THINK" about what I am going to eat... I am tired of having to plan my food... frankly I am tired of being tired...
And though I am in a funk... Still I have held on... I guess, for me... I have that next "mini" goal in mind. It is important for me to make that goal. I know I may have to revamp that mini goal as the days go by. I know I may not succeed... but for me, having "mini" goals has helped tremendously. If I were to look at the big picture... (which I did a minute ago and my heart rate STILL hasn't gone back down!), I am not sure I would bother!
So.. though I am in a funk... though my head says I'm tired and I just don't want to do this anymore... My heart continues to try to succeed.
I try to look at what is different... what is changing on my body and even more importantly, what is changing in MY mind... I see myself differently... I feel as my body is losing stick after stick of butter (now a total of 188 sticks!) that my inner being is resurfacing after having been buried for so long! And the good news is now... I have a NECK!
Friday, July 4, 2008
Point 2 lbs lost... 47 total now...
... and a loss is a loss, right? So... I only lost .2 lbs. this week! Yikes... well, serves me right I suppose... as my momma always said... you have to pay the piper. BUT... a loss is a loss, right? AND it's not a gain... so that's a good thing! And I'm back on track AND I'm watching my food and water intake... AND I am determined to have 55 lbs. off BEFORE Labor day... I know I can do this!!
AND... With my body changing, my attitude is changing too... and people are noticing... I'm becoming the "old" me... you know... the one that used to take chances and play and have a good time no matter where I was... The outspoken one... the flamboyant one... The girl that people actually NOTICED... and liked to be around. The girl that USED to get attention... wow... it is strange, actually.
Strange for me... as I sort of buried that person several years ago... so for her to be re-emerging is rather strange... A good strange, I suppose... but still strange.
These new happenings are vaguely familiar but have been so few and far between that I have forgotten how to react and what you are "supposed" to do...I feel like a young girl all over again... treading water I've not tread before and going where... I am not sure... and yet, all of it is so vaguely familiar.
It's been so long... since this strong girl has been out of the cage that I am not sure what is going to happen once she is let free to be who she so desperately wants to be... again. And the really sad thing about all of this... is that I am the one that put her in that cage to begin with... I am the one that buried her so deep that she couldn't see daylight... and I am the one who is digging her out... piece by piece, ounce by ounce.. as pound by pound escapes from this body... she gains light.... Am I ready?
AND... With my body changing, my attitude is changing too... and people are noticing... I'm becoming the "old" me... you know... the one that used to take chances and play and have a good time no matter where I was... The outspoken one... the flamboyant one... The girl that people actually NOTICED... and liked to be around. The girl that USED to get attention... wow... it is strange, actually.
Strange for me... as I sort of buried that person several years ago... so for her to be re-emerging is rather strange... A good strange, I suppose... but still strange.
These new happenings are vaguely familiar but have been so few and far between that I have forgotten how to react and what you are "supposed" to do...I feel like a young girl all over again... treading water I've not tread before and going where... I am not sure... and yet, all of it is so vaguely familiar.
It's been so long... since this strong girl has been out of the cage that I am not sure what is going to happen once she is let free to be who she so desperately wants to be... again. And the really sad thing about all of this... is that I am the one that put her in that cage to begin with... I am the one that buried her so deep that she couldn't see daylight... and I am the one who is digging her out... piece by piece, ounce by ounce.. as pound by pound escapes from this body... she gains light.... Am I ready?
Friday, June 6, 2008
"Wow...I didn't know you were FAT."
...an odd comment, don't you think? Yet it is a direct comment I received from a LONG STANDING CLIENT on Wednesday, 7/4/08. We were talking on the phone and somehow the topic of Frozen Custard came up. I told him that I LOVE frozen custard however, have not had any for MONTHS. He said, "Oh, why not?" I told him that I was on a "weight loss program sort of" and I just don't eat "that sort of thing" anymore. He said "Wow...I didn't know you were FAT!"
Okay, so how do you answer that? We were on the phone so he couldn't see my shocked and rather dismayed face. I chose to say "Yeah, I'm a bigger girl." He said "Wow... I can't believe that!" To that I replied "I know... I SOUND skinny, don't I?" He said "Yeah, you do. Skinny and sexy!" To which I replied "Well, I am that!"
So... what to do with that comment? After we got off the phone, I laughed. I pondered. I seriously considered going to get a Hershey Chocolate Bar or TWO or THREE or FOUR. I seriously wanted to cry inside... and thought... how dare he say such a thing?
I could have gotten upset, I guess. Instead... I chose to laugh... and repeat the story to friends... all of which thought it was funny with me... and now, a couple of days later, I'm still laughing... and using this as energy to fuel my next weight loss goal and I'm well on my way.
I now have almost 174 sticks of butter off of this body and more to come! This is the most amazing thing that I have EVER done for myself! It's like peeling away years of layers of my life... and beginning anew.
Okay, so how do you answer that? We were on the phone so he couldn't see my shocked and rather dismayed face. I chose to say "Yeah, I'm a bigger girl." He said "Wow... I can't believe that!" To that I replied "I know... I SOUND skinny, don't I?" He said "Yeah, you do. Skinny and sexy!" To which I replied "Well, I am that!"
So... what to do with that comment? After we got off the phone, I laughed. I pondered. I seriously considered going to get a Hershey Chocolate Bar or TWO or THREE or FOUR. I seriously wanted to cry inside... and thought... how dare he say such a thing?
I could have gotten upset, I guess. Instead... I chose to laugh... and repeat the story to friends... all of which thought it was funny with me... and now, a couple of days later, I'm still laughing... and using this as energy to fuel my next weight loss goal and I'm well on my way.
I now have almost 174 sticks of butter off of this body and more to come! This is the most amazing thing that I have EVER done for myself! It's like peeling away years of layers of my life... and beginning anew.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
120 days... and still counting!
...wow, and they say "time passes when you are having fun!" I say, time passes when you aren't paying attention. I find it difficult to believe that I started this lifestyle journey change 120 days ago! How is that possible? Where did the time go? It passes. Even when we are not looking. Perhaps even more so when we are not looking. 120 days. What have I learned?
I've learned:
"One day at a time" is more than just a song.
I CAN do this.
Small attainable goals are easier for me than the large picture.
I have a NECK!
Going outside is not such a bad thing.
Support comes from the oddest places.
Some people will NEVER be happy for you no matter WHAT you accomplish.
Most people will be.
Sharing your life with others is better than not.
I can get through 15 minutes at a time.
Water is more than just to swim in.
I am pretty.
I am worth this.
AND I do deserve peace and happiness!
I've learned:
"One day at a time" is more than just a song.
I CAN do this.
Small attainable goals are easier for me than the large picture.
I have a NECK!
Going outside is not such a bad thing.
Support comes from the oddest places.
Some people will NEVER be happy for you no matter WHAT you accomplish.
Most people will be.
Sharing your life with others is better than not.
I can get through 15 minutes at a time.
Water is more than just to swim in.
I am pretty.
I am worth this.
AND I do deserve peace and happiness!
Thursday, April 24, 2008
And these ... are the days...
Reading back on my last post or two... I have been quite... well, negative and, for lack of a better word, depressed. I wish I could say what the problem is... I am not really quite sure that I know. I do know that I am going through a part of my life that is called (according to a recent seminar I attended) peri-menopausal. Which basically means that I am not Menopausal. Yet. Of course, that's the good news. Whereas the bad news is that I still FEEL menopausal. I am experiencing all the menopause symptoms, and that frankly... is a drag.
So.. what to do? Normally? Well, normally, I let my peri-menopausal symptons run my life... It's not like I'm not dealing with a lot of stuff right now. I was given a "promotion" of Sales Director and put directly in charge of the new outside salesman, who I might add, had never sold a thing - not even a Girl Scout cookie AND who is young enough to be one of my sons! I am on a lifestyle journey that is changing every little thing that I know and have known about food and how I react to it, I'm exercising, my body is changing, my clothes no longer fit, AND I'm peri-menopausal on top of all of that? Truly, tell me, how much better is this going to get?
I decided 104 days ago to make a lifestyle journey change. I've given myself a year to become more healthy, to "learn" to like exercise (not sure that will EVER happen) and to ultimately lose a lot of this weight I've been carrying around for years. For my children, for my grandchildren... but mostly, I'm doing it for ME.
So today, I've made another decision. I've decided that I will make an honest effort to be more stable. After receiving an email from my son, Dan, and being, perhaps jolted to reality... I've decided that I would rather be as proactive as possible with what life is handing me than to let it control my life. So even though I can't change the things that are happening inside my head AND my emotions, I can be proactive in dealing with them. I've ordered my herbs, I've made an appointment with my Gyno to discuss what's happening and maybe take one step further in order to better deal with it, AND ... I'm going to try my best to take a quote from Sparkpeople (quite literally) that says:
"Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always try to be a little more kind than necessary."
Dan, you inspire me to be a better person. Thanks for caring about me. I love you.
So.. what to do? Normally? Well, normally, I let my peri-menopausal symptons run my life... It's not like I'm not dealing with a lot of stuff right now. I was given a "promotion" of Sales Director and put directly in charge of the new outside salesman, who I might add, had never sold a thing - not even a Girl Scout cookie AND who is young enough to be one of my sons! I am on a lifestyle journey that is changing every little thing that I know and have known about food and how I react to it, I'm exercising, my body is changing, my clothes no longer fit, AND I'm peri-menopausal on top of all of that? Truly, tell me, how much better is this going to get?
I decided 104 days ago to make a lifestyle journey change. I've given myself a year to become more healthy, to "learn" to like exercise (not sure that will EVER happen) and to ultimately lose a lot of this weight I've been carrying around for years. For my children, for my grandchildren... but mostly, I'm doing it for ME.
So today, I've made another decision. I've decided that I will make an honest effort to be more stable. After receiving an email from my son, Dan, and being, perhaps jolted to reality... I've decided that I would rather be as proactive as possible with what life is handing me than to let it control my life. So even though I can't change the things that are happening inside my head AND my emotions, I can be proactive in dealing with them. I've ordered my herbs, I've made an appointment with my Gyno to discuss what's happening and maybe take one step further in order to better deal with it, AND ... I'm going to try my best to take a quote from Sparkpeople (quite literally) that says:
"Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always try to be a little more kind than necessary."
Dan, you inspire me to be a better person. Thanks for caring about me. I love you.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Depressed and I really don't care....
...about anything. I'm in a funk. A mood. Nothing I do is seemingly working to bring me out of this funk and all I want to do is cry. Why? How do I know? I have no idea except that I am depressed....
... and I really don't care.
About anything.
Or anyone.
Right now.
Period.
... and I really don't care.
About anything.
Or anyone.
Right now.
Period.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
It's been over 11 weeks...
... and I am still at it! Eleven weeks of eating better... exercising (finally - took me FOREVER to actually start!), treating myself better and wanting a healthier lifestyle. The good news is that after 11 weeks of ... well, not so much a struggle as simply a change, I have lost a grand total of 25.6 lbs. If I have calculated correctly (my being no math scholar by any means!) that is a total of 102 sticks of butter ... If you can imagine that...
ONE HUNDRED AND TWO STICKS OF BUTTER? Does one even BUY butter in sticks anymore? Well, okay, yes... occasionally, if you are going to bake!
I can tell you this... My mind can not even begin to fathom 102 sticks of butter! 102 sticks of butter? Are you serious? Where on this body did it fit? Seriously 102 sticks?
It's amazing to me. To much to fathom... and to think that I have many more sticks of butter to lose! Yikes. I often wonder how in the world this happened to me... Where was I when all of a sudden this weight landed on top of me and spread itself so thickly in place?
The truth is .... I was right here... Not paying one bit of attention. And really, how sad is that?
That's over though now... Now I account for every bite. Now I watch everything... I eat and probably even what other's eat.. though, obviously, it's not any of my business!
I can't wait till May... I want to see Dan's eyes when he sees me many pounds lighter... I want him to be able to hug me and fit his entire arms around me... I want to be able to see him be proud of his momma... I want to be able to run and play with my granddaughters and not grow weary... I want Bekah to be proud of me... and Josh to be surprised. Most of all... I want to be healthier... and more fit... than I have been in a very, very long time.
ONE HUNDRED AND TWO STICKS OF BUTTER? Does one even BUY butter in sticks anymore? Well, okay, yes... occasionally, if you are going to bake!
I can tell you this... My mind can not even begin to fathom 102 sticks of butter! 102 sticks of butter? Are you serious? Where on this body did it fit? Seriously 102 sticks?
It's amazing to me. To much to fathom... and to think that I have many more sticks of butter to lose! Yikes. I often wonder how in the world this happened to me... Where was I when all of a sudden this weight landed on top of me and spread itself so thickly in place?
The truth is .... I was right here... Not paying one bit of attention. And really, how sad is that?
That's over though now... Now I account for every bite. Now I watch everything... I eat and probably even what other's eat.. though, obviously, it's not any of my business!
I can't wait till May... I want to see Dan's eyes when he sees me many pounds lighter... I want him to be able to hug me and fit his entire arms around me... I want to be able to see him be proud of his momma... I want to be able to run and play with my granddaughters and not grow weary... I want Bekah to be proud of me... and Josh to be surprised. Most of all... I want to be healthier... and more fit... than I have been in a very, very long time.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Sunday, March 9, 2008
I'm depressed...
... why? I have lost three pieces of jewelry. Two, of which, my children's father gave to me... and though we are no longer a couple... those pieces of jewelry... well, really ALL my jewelry mean a lot to me. I know... it's materialistic.. I know it's probably shallow... and yet, it is how I feel.
My head says Bob's son, Jason, probably stole it... my heart says... he wouldn't do that to me... and yet... I've looked most everywhere I can think of. I have a couple of places yet to look... that I can't look till tomorrow as my jeep is in Springfield currently -- sitting without a transmission... Bekah remembers I used to keep the two rings in the console of that truck.. so perhaps that's where they are... but the gold necklace is still missing and my heart hurts and my soul is very, very sad.
If I can not find these pieces of jewelry... well, then that leaves only one thing that could have happened to them.. and that means... I wash my hands of Jason... and I will no longer welcome him into my home.. or into my life.. and I will pull away from him in a way that I have never done to any child...
I can not even hardly think as my heart hurts and my soul is crying... literally, to think that someone you allow into your home would do this to you... He wouldn't, right? He couldn't.. steal from me? Why do I think he wouldn't steal from me when I know he's stolen from his own father... why would I think I am any different?
I am very, very sad.
Bob has asked me if I am mad at him... the answer is no... I suppose in a way though.. I am. He stood up for Jason as I was talking about the jewelry... I understand he wants to give him the benefit of the doubt... but shouldn't he at least stand beside me and say... if he took these things, honey... then we will stand together against him? Shouldn't he at least... comfort me?
There has been no comfort... none.
And that alone... makes me even sadder.
My head says Bob's son, Jason, probably stole it... my heart says... he wouldn't do that to me... and yet... I've looked most everywhere I can think of. I have a couple of places yet to look... that I can't look till tomorrow as my jeep is in Springfield currently -- sitting without a transmission... Bekah remembers I used to keep the two rings in the console of that truck.. so perhaps that's where they are... but the gold necklace is still missing and my heart hurts and my soul is very, very sad.
If I can not find these pieces of jewelry... well, then that leaves only one thing that could have happened to them.. and that means... I wash my hands of Jason... and I will no longer welcome him into my home.. or into my life.. and I will pull away from him in a way that I have never done to any child...
I can not even hardly think as my heart hurts and my soul is crying... literally, to think that someone you allow into your home would do this to you... He wouldn't, right? He couldn't.. steal from me? Why do I think he wouldn't steal from me when I know he's stolen from his own father... why would I think I am any different?
I am very, very sad.
Bob has asked me if I am mad at him... the answer is no... I suppose in a way though.. I am. He stood up for Jason as I was talking about the jewelry... I understand he wants to give him the benefit of the doubt... but shouldn't he at least stand beside me and say... if he took these things, honey... then we will stand together against him? Shouldn't he at least... comfort me?
There has been no comfort... none.
And that alone... makes me even sadder.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
I'm a mess...
... literally a mess. I am tired, cranky, back hurts, cramping, depressed and I'm having a wild and totally hateful, cranky menopausal episode... and have been all day! Yikes... I have not been in a good mood today. I feel ... sad and weepy. I feel lost and a bit overwhelmed with work and the pressures of listening to co-worker and training the boy and home...
And I'm tired. Literally exhausted. With no one really understanding what is going on... how can one understand when one hasn't been thru this?
Yet again... I probably owe my daughter an apology! I may be turning into my mother as I type.
And I'm tired. Literally exhausted. With no one really understanding what is going on... how can one understand when one hasn't been thru this?
Yet again... I probably owe my daughter an apology! I may be turning into my mother as I type.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Week Five...14.4. lbs GONE!
AND I'm not starving myself!
....Whew! What a week this has been. Lots going on at work, lots going on at home... My nephew from Texas (Kelly, my namesake) came into town and wanted to go out each night he was here. (Now this is after already having gone out to Olive Garden on Saturday for Bob and my "Valentine's Date") SO... the first night we went to a little mexican place not to far from where I work - one that is home owned -- NOT a chain, and I had fajitas (leftovers today for lunch!), the second night, he called and Brian (a friend he brought with him) had never been to the "throwed roll" place (Lambert's - for those of you that aren't familiar) and so he wanted to go there.
Ugh. Have you ever eaten at Lambert's? What can one have there that is even REMOTELY on a diet? I sighed and said sure - we'll go there... dying inside wondering if I could really do it...
Bucked up on my water intake... and off we went to Lambert's. What fun we had. Brian had never actually seen a roll being hurled at you from across the dining room, so it was quite fun. Good, down home, country cooking... that "stick to your ribs" cooking that your grandma used to do... or maybe your mom if you are as old as me...
So... I looked at the menu - perused it... I didn't want fried, didn't want beef (trying to eat less red meat)... didn't really want chicken though that might have to be my option... Ah ha! Pork Chops... That's what I'll have - grilled pork chops... baked potato and green beans... Man, that was the best Pork Chop I've had in years.... oh, and two (not one, people.... TWO) homemade yeast rolls... with, yes, dare I say it... Butter.
Yum.
Then Bob decided he wanted to go out for Valentine's night. I think he might have felt bad cause he didn't get me a card or anything... so we did. Menu? Ugh... Mexican. I chose Taco Salad... w/chicken. Thinking it would be grilled chicken, right? Nope... fried. Picked it off, fed it to Bob.. and had an absolutely divine salad.
So.. alas, weighed in Friday morning. Nervously I went into the bath to step on the scale. That thing that sits in my bathroom haunting me... and wow... it dropped. It dropped THREE LBS.
How is that possible? Good choices? Zumba? Water intake... ? I really drank the water this week... No matter though. Whatever the reason, I will take it, start my sixth week and be thrilled with my results. 14.4 lbs. in 5 weeks! How utterly awesome is that?
....Whew! What a week this has been. Lots going on at work, lots going on at home... My nephew from Texas (Kelly, my namesake) came into town and wanted to go out each night he was here. (Now this is after already having gone out to Olive Garden on Saturday for Bob and my "Valentine's Date") SO... the first night we went to a little mexican place not to far from where I work - one that is home owned -- NOT a chain, and I had fajitas (leftovers today for lunch!), the second night, he called and Brian (a friend he brought with him) had never been to the "throwed roll" place (Lambert's - for those of you that aren't familiar) and so he wanted to go there.
Ugh. Have you ever eaten at Lambert's? What can one have there that is even REMOTELY on a diet? I sighed and said sure - we'll go there... dying inside wondering if I could really do it...
Bucked up on my water intake... and off we went to Lambert's. What fun we had. Brian had never actually seen a roll being hurled at you from across the dining room, so it was quite fun. Good, down home, country cooking... that "stick to your ribs" cooking that your grandma used to do... or maybe your mom if you are as old as me...
So... I looked at the menu - perused it... I didn't want fried, didn't want beef (trying to eat less red meat)... didn't really want chicken though that might have to be my option... Ah ha! Pork Chops... That's what I'll have - grilled pork chops... baked potato and green beans... Man, that was the best Pork Chop I've had in years.... oh, and two (not one, people.... TWO) homemade yeast rolls... with, yes, dare I say it... Butter.
Yum.
Then Bob decided he wanted to go out for Valentine's night. I think he might have felt bad cause he didn't get me a card or anything... so we did. Menu? Ugh... Mexican. I chose Taco Salad... w/chicken. Thinking it would be grilled chicken, right? Nope... fried. Picked it off, fed it to Bob.. and had an absolutely divine salad.
So.. alas, weighed in Friday morning. Nervously I went into the bath to step on the scale. That thing that sits in my bathroom haunting me... and wow... it dropped. It dropped THREE LBS.
How is that possible? Good choices? Zumba? Water intake... ? I really drank the water this week... No matter though. Whatever the reason, I will take it, start my sixth week and be thrilled with my results. 14.4 lbs. in 5 weeks! How utterly awesome is that?
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Looking forward....
Tomorrow's the day... I weigh in.. one more time. It will be my fourth complete week -- and I feel better than I have in a long, long time... Which is really good. I'd like to be in much better shape by the time I go see Phoebe and Josie next time!
I am hoping Ben will join me on this life changing quest on SparkPeople. I think if he'd try it, he'd see that it can really make a difference in how he feels... and the quality of life he is living!
I hope he'll do it... for Deb, for Abby... for me.
I am hoping Ben will join me on this life changing quest on SparkPeople. I think if he'd try it, he'd see that it can really make a difference in how he feels... and the quality of life he is living!
I hope he'll do it... for Deb, for Abby... for me.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
February 5th, 2008
So... with a total of 9.2 lbs. off so far, today is the first day that I really just feel fat - really fat. Now, I know I am fat, I don't have to be told that... but somedays, you feel fatter than others, and today I feel fat. Really fat. So... today that has been weighing on my mind and has had an effect on my attitude and how I feel. I've stuck with my meal plan and done well, but my attitude is not the same as normal.
I'm tired for one. If I was woke up once last night, I was woke up 40 times. And... consequently, I'm tired. I need my sleep. I can deal with 7 hours... I can even deal with 6.5 hours... but I need sleep... and last night, sleep was not something I was able to accomplish for any length of time at all...
So... now I'm tired and I'm cranky... and irritable.
And I should probably apologize to my daughter.
Sigh.
I'm tired for one. If I was woke up once last night, I was woke up 40 times. And... consequently, I'm tired. I need my sleep. I can deal with 7 hours... I can even deal with 6.5 hours... but I need sleep... and last night, sleep was not something I was able to accomplish for any length of time at all...
So... now I'm tired and I'm cranky... and irritable.
And I should probably apologize to my daughter.
Sigh.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Happenings
Isn't it surprising how one can be going down a path and everything seemingly just fine, and then... it's like a freight train - and something comes out of nowhere and upsets your whole entire being? Such happened on Saturday and though I am trying to desperately "act" like everything is okay and I'm okay... I'm not okay. It isn't okay that life is changed in an instant because someone gets mad at you and threatens to destroy the life you've worked for the last several years... it's not okay that people say things to you and seem to be hateful and upset over something so small that it all could have been solved with only a few words between you... and yet, such is life at times. Upsetting and threatening and life changing.... and with it, so do we.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
January 23rd, 2008
Here we are, almost thru January already -- and it just seems like yesterday we were playing in the pool, enjoying the sun... but no, it's definitely January here in Missouri... it was so cold this morning and I am tired of being cold!
I've had the humdrums today.. not sure why, just haven't felt myself today. I think I am tired.... tired and menopausal! That never helps!
I've had the humdrums today.. not sure why, just haven't felt myself today. I think I am tired.... tired and menopausal! That never helps!
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Tuesday, 1/22
So... we made it over the weekend. Even driving to Sikeston and meeting Dan and Jan for lunch at the infamous Lambert's "Home of the Throwed Rolls" - we made it thru just fine. I think, all in all, I am doing quite well... Staying on track, counting every bite... I sort of like the SparkPeople.com website and logging on and getting involved, writing emails, reading articles. I'm learning a lot and hopefully, expanding my mind NOT my waistband any longer!
Friday, January 18, 2008
Week One Complete....
... and I finally bought a scale! Bought one on Wednesday. Weighed when I got home -- was vastly surprised that my actual weight was quite a bit less than my "thinking" weight was! Woo hoo! Surprise, surprise... Had an awful time changing the ticker on my sparkpage but finally was able to get it changed last night....
So... since today is my one week, I thought I would get on the scale this morning and see what it brings me... I am officially 5 lbs. down! And I am feeling 20 lbs. lighter -- my head, my lungs, everything feels different.
Bekah said for the first time last night, she noticed she wasn't so tired after work -- so it is with me too... I have a lot more energy and haven't been doing much exercising....
I told Bekah -- no excuses for me.... I just hate to exercise. I'm working up mentally though... sometime soon, I'll kick in!
So... since today is my one week, I thought I would get on the scale this morning and see what it brings me... I am officially 5 lbs. down! And I am feeling 20 lbs. lighter -- my head, my lungs, everything feels different.
Bekah said for the first time last night, she noticed she wasn't so tired after work -- so it is with me too... I have a lot more energy and haven't been doing much exercising....
I told Bekah -- no excuses for me.... I just hate to exercise. I'm working up mentally though... sometime soon, I'll kick in!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Day Six.... already?
... time flies when you're having fun and when you are consumed with thoughts of sparking your life to bigger and better things!
I read a quote yesterday - 'People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing -- that's why we recommend it daily.' I love this quote. So true. You have to motivate yourself each day -- it's what keeps us going and gives us that 'zing'.
Day Six... and I still haven't bought a scale! Yikes!
I read a quote yesterday - 'People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing -- that's why we recommend it daily.' I love this quote. So true. You have to motivate yourself each day -- it's what keeps us going and gives us that 'zing'.
Day Six... and I still haven't bought a scale! Yikes!
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Day Five...
... and we ate out for the first time -- I chose well, I think. It's Tuesday and that's Bob's fabulous night to cook -- so Subway it is. Worked out well as I had a 6" Subway Club which was 320 calories. For the total today, I've gone over my calorie limit however, yesterday I was under my goal calories. So... all in all, I'm doing okay.
My mind is really clear and it's awesome. I have goals to work with and I'm excited for the first time in a very long time about changes -- and changes in me. I'm trying to take small steps and not rush and get over my head in this... so far, I'm really doing well and loving the even small changes that I see.
I invited my brother, Ben, to join me yesterday and today I talked to Kerry, at work, about it. I'm hoping they both join in and we can share the goals and really help boost morale... Spark each other, as they say!
Success... 15 minutes at a time!
My mind is really clear and it's awesome. I have goals to work with and I'm excited for the first time in a very long time about changes -- and changes in me. I'm trying to take small steps and not rush and get over my head in this... so far, I'm really doing well and loving the even small changes that I see.
I invited my brother, Ben, to join me yesterday and today I talked to Kerry, at work, about it. I'm hoping they both join in and we can share the goals and really help boost morale... Spark each other, as they say!
Success... 15 minutes at a time!
Monday, January 14, 2008
Day Three & Four...
... well, I did my first "sharing" yesterday with my brother, Ben and with my daughter, Bekah, concerning the "Sparkpeople.com" website and my endeavor to eat better, walk a bit more, etc. I am excited and thrilled with their reaction and Bekah has joined in with me on the journey.
I wrote on my blog at sparkpeople.com that I want to lose for my sons, I want them to see a thinner mom by summer and I want to lose for my granddaughters -- I want to be able to run with them and play, and not feel totally exhausted. Today is a good day and I feel, for the first time in a long time, that I can actually do this and succeed.
I don't want to be pencil thin or heavy anymore... I want to be healthy.
So here we go. The next step in the journey is 15 minutes at a time!
I wrote on my blog at sparkpeople.com that I want to lose for my sons, I want them to see a thinner mom by summer and I want to lose for my granddaughters -- I want to be able to run with them and play, and not feel totally exhausted. Today is a good day and I feel, for the first time in a long time, that I can actually do this and succeed.
I don't want to be pencil thin or heavy anymore... I want to be healthy.
So here we go. The next step in the journey is 15 minutes at a time!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Day two...
... and what a day. Not so good... but not so bad. I've refrained from eating chocolate -- I've drank my water, I exercised (yes... we cleaned house up AND down) and I didn't cheat on my menu. I told the truth... spagetti - 2 cups, saltine crackers... a large soft pretzel. I figure what's the sense in lying? I might as well come clean -- and fess up to what I eat, it shows anyway.
Last night I found a new show on TV called "How to Feel Good Naked" -- wow... I laughed and I cried. It is an amazing show... learning to love your body and love yourself just as you are.... NOW that is something I can get into.
... so, day two. Not a bad day. Not at all.
Last night I found a new show on TV called "How to Feel Good Naked" -- wow... I laughed and I cried. It is an amazing show... learning to love your body and love yourself just as you are.... NOW that is something I can get into.
... so, day two. Not a bad day. Not at all.
Friday, January 11, 2008
A New Day... A New Year...
... a new me? I've done it. Today I signed up for "Sparkpeople.com" a website made specifically to help "spark" people to be all they can be, whether it's dieting (in my case) or getting an edge up on their career - today I decided to join (after all what is there to lose, but pounds?) and see what all I can do to better me.
I started at lunch. Surprisingly I really didn't know what I was filling out -- Now I have found out how many calories I can partake of per day, water to drink, exercise (ugh, did I just say that dirty word?) to do, etc. I'm learning... I've decided the "fast track" fabulous diet pills, diet drinks, etc. isn't working... so perhaps, good hard work, will.
I'd like for my sons to see me thinner again... I'd like for my granddaughters to see me as a "hip gramma-K".. I'd like for my niece, Abby, to want to come up to do things with me, and me... to not be too tired to do them...
So.. as they say, today is the first day of the rest of your life. One of my goals is to journal... that and eat two fruits or veggies a day and walk each day... well, two out of three isn't bad... right? For the first day?
So...drop by my page at sparkpeople.com and see how I'm doing. I'm still navigating around the site trying to figure it out... but I'll be there... and here, journaling, and trying to become the person, I know I am.
http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage.asp?id=MSKELLEY
I started at lunch. Surprisingly I really didn't know what I was filling out -- Now I have found out how many calories I can partake of per day, water to drink, exercise (ugh, did I just say that dirty word?) to do, etc. I'm learning... I've decided the "fast track" fabulous diet pills, diet drinks, etc. isn't working... so perhaps, good hard work, will.
I'd like for my sons to see me thinner again... I'd like for my granddaughters to see me as a "hip gramma-K".. I'd like for my niece, Abby, to want to come up to do things with me, and me... to not be too tired to do them...
So.. as they say, today is the first day of the rest of your life. One of my goals is to journal... that and eat two fruits or veggies a day and walk each day... well, two out of three isn't bad... right? For the first day?
So...drop by my page at sparkpeople.com and see how I'm doing. I'm still navigating around the site trying to figure it out... but I'll be there... and here, journaling, and trying to become the person, I know I am.
http://www.sparkpeople.com/mypage.asp?id=MSKELLEY
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About Me
- MissKelley
- Republic, Missouri, United States
- Of all the things I've learned in my life, the most important is that when it all comes down to the very core of life, what matters most is your family. Love them, hold them close, let them know how you feel because when life brings turmoil and chaos, family is what counts.
Mom & the boys
Having your cake..
Abby's 1st Birthday.... Cake
St. Louis, 2008
Bekah, Sarah and I at Grants Farm!
Out on the town, 9/28/08
And me with a new "do" & 62 lbs. off!