Everyone I know...

... has some sort of aversion to their scale. Mine used to sit over in the corner of the bathroom, looking so ominous, just waiting for me to stand on it. Daring me ... and I overcame that fear. I bought a new scale & proudly stepped on it each week and watched the number go down & down.

2009 was not a year I would want to repeat as far as my stress level was concerned. I rarely stepped on the scale.. I knew I was gaining, but seriously, I didn't really care. My mind was so wrapped up in the things going on with momma & Lorna that I didn't take time for myself. So there the scale set... once again... staring at me from across the bathroom floor... just daring me to step on.

Almost two weeks ago, I decided - enough is enough. I put on my big girl britches and decided to "get off the pot" as momma would say. Time to pay the piper and step on those scales. I vowed I would find myself again... and I would succeed!! So step I did... Whew. Could that number be correct? Really? So I stepped off and stepped on again... Same number. Stepped off & on again... lower number. Stepped off & on again... higher number. Moved the scale to a different part of the bathroom floor... a really different number. Obviously... I needed a new scale.

Finally last night... knowing that this morning is my weigh in day & knowing that my old scale was not working right... I bought another scale. I sat it beside the other & just waited until this morning...

This morning I trudged into the bathroom and there sat not one scale mocking me... but two. I took a large breath & stepped on the old one. I figured I would see what it said & then measure it with the new one... The numbers were good... Great even. The old scale showed 2.5 lbs. off. So... with a large breath I stepped onto the new scale. Yikes. Could that be right?

Stepped off. Stepped back on... Yep. Same number. Stepped off. Stepped on. Same number.

A higher number. Ugh. What to do? Do I go by the old scale & be so proud of my accomplishments this week or do I go by the new scale & wait for next weeks weigh-in? Do I split the difference and call it good?

Ah.. truth. Momma always said to tell the truth. If you tell the truth... then you don't have to worry about it later. And so... with that... I will go with the new scale. I will continue on this journey. I will become a healthier Mom & healthier Gramma-K.

I will do it... with a new, thin, sleek scale on my bathroom floor... just waiting for a thinner, sleeker me to step on it!

Who knew?

When I woke up this morning, it was raining so hard you could barely hear anything else. It was thundering & lightening.... It was a real spring storm. My first thought after I realized it was a rain storm was "Where am I going to walk tonight?"

That thought surprised even me as I am not a person that likes to exercise... I REALLY don't like it. I know, you've probably heard people say that... but seriously, I don't. I walked during 2008 a LOT... And you know the saying that if you do something continuously for 4 weeks, it becomes a habit? Not with me. Nope. But today... wondering if the rain kept up, where I would walk was the first thing on my mind.

You see, my daughter-in-law, Sarah has decided to become my 'buddy' and help me with this struggle. Sarah gave me another challenge... To double my walking time from last week... and to walk 6 of the next 7 days. Whew. Now THAT is a challenge! I, of course, agreed to the challenge. How can I not? First of all... it's Sarah... and second.. it's a CHALLENGE. (Can you tell Sarah has my number?)

So.. knowing that today was day one in this challenge... I wondered where I would walk? I've enjoyed walking outside... seeing the neighbors, hearing the birds... but today... today it was windy, raining, cold & dreary. NOT conducive to walking.

I pondered this question during the day... and since I had an Alzheimer's Support Group meeting at 6 pm, I decided to visit mom's nursing home. It is HUGE & is built in a SQUARE so surely I can find connecting halls, get some good walking in AND stay dry?

When I arrived it was raining... I stopped by the nurses desk & asked if it was okay that I walk the halls since it was raining? Angel said it was fine - they all know me by now! I walked around the square & up & down the hallways for a grand total of 25 minutes!!

Who knew that momma's new home would double as my new walking place when the weather is horrid? Who knew? AND I got to visit with momma too: TWO birds... ONE stone!

How tired does one have to be?

Before we shut down? I may be about there. I'm tired. T I R E D. My phone has rang non-stop today. From the Dr. Hailey at the nursing home (and I am grateful for his call) to Next Step, to the old doctors office... to.. well, I can't even remember everyone that's called.

It has been a tough day. My phone rings & I begin holding my breath. 9 times out of 10, it's a "weird" number and oh, how I would love to hit "ignore" and go on with my life... But I... well, I as the responsible one cannot do so... I have to answer. And once I see the unknown number on the screen, my heart sinks to my stomach and I hold my breath... hoping amongst hope that it will be a good call...

.. They aren't normally. Good calls. In case you were wondering. Most of the time - during the last 16 months of my life... the calls have been delivering unwanted information. Unwanted though necessary information.

And though I have mom & Lorna in a 24 hour care facility, though life should be calming down... there are still days like today... When my phone rings and I shudder & sigh before looking at it... Dreading answering it... Dreading the voice on the other end.

One of my co-workers, Adam, asked me if I was alright today. I am not alright today. Today.. I am tired. Very tired. There are things that need to be done... and I am tired. Really tired. Tired of being the responsible one. Tired of my phone ringing and having strangers on the other end. Tired of answering questions. Tired of giving the same answers to different people all the time. I'm tired.

And still.. I'm trying to hold down a full time job while trying to keep my senses about me while trying not to let depression set in again, while trying to eat healthy & get my body back to where it was 16 months ago... I'm trying.

People often say... that God never gives us more than we can handle and I know this is true.. but seriously... sometimes I just want to tell Him to STOP! Stop trusting me with so much. Stop giving me such a heavy load. Can He not see I need a break? Can He not tell I am just about at my breaking point?

When people tell me that God never gives us more than we can handle... I often laugh and say... Yes, I know... but I think He has me confused with someone else!

Totally.

What does it mean?

Yesterday I didn't go see momma & Lorna. It's my "normal" day to go see her however I won't be going on Saturday morning so I wanted to "stretch" my visits a bit so it doesn't seem so long since she's seen me. I thought of her often during the day & wondered how she was. I tend to call her at night, after her dinner hour, just to visit & see how she's doing. I always hear the same thing ... "I'm here." It's the same thing I heard when she lived in her home so that's a good thing, I suppose.

Last night... well, last night was different. I thought of her at 5:15 pm. No, I couldn't call cause she'd be at dinner. Thought of her at 5:45 pm & no, I couldn't call cause she'd still be at dinner. And then... the weirdest thing happened.

I never thought of her again till about bedtime. When, all of a sudden, I realized.... I hadn't called her at all and now it was too late to call. Now I couldn't call. And then I was amazed at myself because... it's been almost three weeks since I've moved her & Lorna to Springfield & over 16 months since this turmoil began... and this is the VERY first time that I've actually NOT thought of my momma?

What does it mean?

I think it's a good thing. I think it means I'm settling in... and since momma didn't call me, perhaps she's settling in too.

It is definitely a weird thing. I told my daughter, Bekah, and she said that it's okay... she's fine. And I'm sure she is. She would have called me, right?

So now... I find myself shaking my head in bewilderment. I can't believe I actually had literally NO thoughts of momma for about 4 hours. How is that possible? How did that happen? I wasn't "doing" anything. I wasn't "busy" with anything.. I was just having a life. MY life.

Amazing, isn't it?

Today my life changes...

...forever.

Today I will make my momma more angry at me than she probably has ever been... even when I was 17 and ran the car into the ditch, in the mud, in the middle of the night... Today she will be angry, mad, disappointed & very, very sad. My sister, Lorna, who has Down's Syndrome, will not understand & will be constantly saying "Wanna go home" as I am signing the papers & trying to make life seem not quite so bad.

Today I will move my momma & sister into a nursing home here in Springfield.

And though I know I have no choice, though I know it is truly out of my hands, I am very, very sad. My heart is breaking... and is just waiting for the moment when mom finds out what I am doing.... and she looks at me with those big brown eyes... and shows how very disappointed she is ... in me, and then my heart... will fall & totally break in very small, never to be fully back in place, pieces.

My mom has Alzheimer's -- she can't remember a phone call from yesterday nor that I told her she received the phone call... 5 minutes ago. My mom is very unsteady & has been declared unable to live in her home and unable to take care of Lorna by the lovely state of Missouri.

And so, today... I will place her in a 24 hour care facility. I never, in all my years, thought this would be me. I had plans to watch her grow very old, to play with her great grandchildren & laugh & have a great life... I've had these plans for all of my life... and today... well, today those plans are shattered right along with my heart.

Have you seen this girl?

She's cute, lovable, funny, honest and she's lost! Lost her momentum, lost her will, lost her patience. And in the meantime, she's gained... gained what you might ask? She's gained weight.

I've been on SparkPeople for over 2 years. I've lost 70 lbs. through SparkPeople, just by eating better, eating less & exercising some. I felt so good... I could do anything. And then in January of 2009, my mother became ill & ultimately was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease in June of 2009. My life, as I knew it, was over.

Or so I felt. Obviously, it isn't... but the life I knew - the happy life... was now clouded and I became the mother and I had to take care of my momma. I guess all in all, I did a pretty good job. She's much better.. and I? Well, I am left with the knowledge that everything I've done, everything that I've been through, has helped... She's much better. I, however, am not.

I feel wounded. Lost. Uncared for. I feel alone much of the time. I feel sad. And with all of these "feelings" I've ate. Anything. Everything. And I've ate lots of it.

So... today... 3 days after my 51st birthday, I can tell I am not the same. My clothes are tight. I lose my breath. My knees ache again. My back hurts. I don't feel confident. My self esteem has crashed to the floor and disintegrated.

And I've had enough. Enough feeling sorry for myself. Enough feeling unhealthy. Enough of being blue. I've had ENOUGH.

No one can change me, but me. No one can make a difference in me, but me. I have to do it.

And though I never thought I would be in this situation again... I never thought I would put weight back on... I am not infallible. I am just a woman. A grandmother. A friend. A sister. I am just me.

So today I stand up taller & realize - it is up to me and I will lose this weight and find myself again... in all the wreckage!