Changes in my Closet...

... and in me. For the last few weeks I have steadily been going through my closet... pulling out items of clothing that I can no longer wear. For once, I'm removing these items from my closet because they are to BIG for me... NOT because I am TO BIG for them... THIS is an interesting change of events.

About a week ago, I had laid out all these clothes in the spare room and had put them in "piles": Jeans, t-shirts, sweaters, dresses, blouses, etc. During this time consuming task, I had not one, not two, but three entire melt downs.

I, literally, felt scared. Scared to be losing these clothes... scared of the layers that have come off of my body, and scared to get rid of, what I guess, I never fully understood, was my security blanket?

Could that really possibly be? Since when did I need a security blanket? Me? The totally independent, outgoing, vivacious, funny, humorous, life of the party, sort of gal? When did that happen? When did I allow myself to be swallowed up by my weight and allow myself to disappear inside of me?

So... I melted. I cried. I weeped. I could not coherently put into words what I was feeling. I am proud of my journey. I'm proud of the accomplishments I have made in six short months... however, I was scared of what getting rid of these clothes meant.

What if I got rid of them and then tomorrow woke up and this was just a dream and I was still as heavy as when I first began? What if I got rid of these clothes and then... I gained all of this weight back? What if...

And so it was... this past Saturday... I took a giant step... I got rid of a lot of these clothes. About 68 items of clothing are now gone from my spare bedroom. 68 items. That's A LOT OF CLOTHES.. and I still have more clothes laying on the bed...

For those of you that don't really know me... I am such a clothes horse.. Clothes and shoes. Well, I was a clothes horse... Now my closet is very.. empty. There are not many clothes hanging in there... Not anymore.

While my friend was "shopping" my bigger clothes.... I felt ... sad. A few items of clothing that I loved... simply loved... like my denim jacket, my polka dot dress, the new swimsuit I just bought last year and never really got to wear... was leaving my home. Never to return. And I felt sad.

And proud. Proud of what I was giving up... Proud of my accomplishments so far, proud of what the future holds... for me... in smaller clothes!

And though I may not have many clothes hanging up in my closet... I now have a couple of new favorites... And thankfully, my shoes still fit!

Six Months & 200 sticks of butter!

Friday, July 11th, was my 6th month anniversary on SparkPeople. Wow. It is hard to believe that it has been so long since I started this lifestyle journey change and yet... it seems like just yesterday.

The things that have changed are mostly, well, visible changes. As of Friday, 7/11, I have lost 50 lbs.!! Or rather... as I like to say.... TWO HUNDRED STICKS OF BUTTER! Yes...200, 1/4 lb. sticks of butter have melted away from this, still rather, "fluffy" body of mine... 200 sticks!

"Melted" is a rather "easy" sounding word... it hasn't been easy. Nothing in life that you really want or desire comes easy, as we know... however, for me, melted means gone, and these sticks are definitely gone from my body!

As each one has melted away, surprises have emerged... My neck. My collar bone. I have definition in my hands and wrists. I can see my toes when I look down now... Simple things.. Good things!

I still have a long way to go. I still can't look at the LARGE number of weight I want to lose. A couple of days ago, a friend asked me how much more I wanted to lose... I thought before I answered... thinking... "Can't she tell I still have A LOT to go?"

I didn't answer right away... instead, I stopped and wondered if I dare to say it outloud.

Slowly, I decided.... I've grown. I've changed. I can "OWN" what I need to lose...

So I said those fateful words... The shock look on her face told me what my heart rate already knew...

I couldn't handle it. My breathing still hasn't returned to normal.. And I still have a huge lump in my throat when I think about that number...

So... Maybe I haven't grown enough yet to "OWN" that number... however, I do "own" this: I've lost 50 lbs. FIFTY POUNDS -- 200 sticks of butter... and in the process I have gained so much:

I'm happier now!
I have ENERGY!
I have bones I haven't seen in YEARS!
I have more self esteem!
I believe in me more now!
I actually have been the recipient of FLIRTING!
I smile more now!
And slowly...
I'm looking better and better NAKED!

In a Funk...

I am on a local Spark Team called "Springfield Sparkers". We have been together now... well, basically since I began this lifestyle journey change back in January of 2008 (seems so very long ago now...). We have bonded together in a force like none other. We are there for each other through the good losses, the bad gains, the standstills... We have patted each other on the back when needed and given each other a swift kick in the butt when that is well deserved too. Many us have been doing this for several months... and now, we find ourselves... in a funk.

I am not sure what it is. I attibute my being in a funk, to my being on this journey steadfast for months and I am tired. I'm tired of watching every bite I eat, I'm tired of knowing I SHOULD exercise, I'm tired of wanting something to eat but nothing "sounds" good... I am tired of having to "THINK" about what I am going to eat... I am tired of having to plan my food... frankly I am tired of being tired...

And though I am in a funk... Still I have held on... I guess, for me... I have that next "mini" goal in mind. It is important for me to make that goal. I know I may have to revamp that mini goal as the days go by. I know I may not succeed... but for me, having "mini" goals has helped tremendously. If I were to look at the big picture... (which I did a minute ago and my heart rate STILL hasn't gone back down!), I am not sure I would bother!

So.. though I am in a funk... though my head says I'm tired and I just don't want to do this anymore... My heart continues to try to succeed.

I try to look at what is different... what is changing on my body and even more importantly, what is changing in MY mind... I see myself differently... I feel as my body is losing stick after stick of butter (now a total of 188 sticks!) that my inner being is resurfacing after having been buried for so long! And the good news is now... I have a NECK!

Point 2 lbs lost... 47 total now...

... and a loss is a loss, right? So... I only lost .2 lbs. this week! Yikes... well, serves me right I suppose... as my momma always said... you have to pay the piper. BUT... a loss is a loss, right? AND it's not a gain... so that's a good thing! And I'm back on track AND I'm watching my food and water intake... AND I am determined to have 55 lbs. off BEFORE Labor day... I know I can do this!!

AND... With my body changing, my attitude is changing too... and people are noticing... I'm becoming the "old" me... you know... the one that used to take chances and play and have a good time no matter where I was... The outspoken one... the flamboyant one... The girl that people actually NOTICED... and liked to be around. The girl that USED to get attention... wow... it is strange, actually.

Strange for me... as I sort of buried that person several years ago... so for her to be re-emerging is rather strange... A good strange, I suppose... but still strange.

These new happenings are vaguely familiar but have been so few and far between that I have forgotten how to react and what you are "supposed" to do...I feel like a young girl all over again... treading water I've not tread before and going where... I am not sure... and yet, all of it is so vaguely familiar.

It's been so long... since this strong girl has been out of the cage that I am not sure what is going to happen once she is let free to be who she so desperately wants to be... again. And the really sad thing about all of this... is that I am the one that put her in that cage to begin with... I am the one that buried her so deep that she couldn't see daylight... and I am the one who is digging her out... piece by piece, ounce by ounce.. as pound by pound escapes from this body... she gains light.... Am I ready?