Growing Up... Not Growing Out!

Today is THE DAY. I've said it for weeks. I have GOT to get back on my journey. Life doesn't stand still for anyone and it certainly hasn't stood still for me. The last eight (yes, count them!) months have been crazy, busy, sad, depressing and all in all, uncontrollable. I have been through so many things and all of them have added to the weight on my body.

I started this journey on January 11th, 2008. I did extremely well. I began the journey knowing that I had to do it for my children & my grandchildren. I had to - because I did not feel worthy of doing it for me. I knew my children & my granddaughters deserved more than a heavy, sluggish, overweight & yes, fat momma & gramma & I knew it was up to me to get healthy for them.

I was successful. During the first 13 months of my journey, I lost a total of 70 lbs. That's 280 sticks of butter, for those of you counting.... I felt better. I could walk places. I could ride a bicycle, I could play on the floor with my grandbabies & I could shop for hours. I no longer wanted to just come home and collapse into a chair... I was ACTIVE.

And then my life turned upside down. I began receiving calls from different sources telling me of my momma’s memory or lack thereof. Calls came frequent with different problems occurring with mom. I became a frequent driver to momma’s, traveling down every few days to go to appointments, doctors, etc. In March, momma was diagnosed with Senile Dementia. I was told there was nothing to be done. She was just “old” as her doctor told me. I refused to believe that. I went into “fix it” mode.

On June 2nd, 2009, momma was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease & my life, as I knew it, ended. I was depressed before, but now, even more so. I knew momma wasn’t the momma I knew and loved however with this diagnosis came also the end to that relationship.

During this time, I began eating. Anything. Everything. You name it – I ate it. I didn’t care. I was to busy trying to find answers. I was to busy to plan my food, to busy to even care about me. I was depressed. All I knew was that my momma and Lorna depended on me and I had to solve these problems. It was up to me. I had to take care of THEM. I had to “fix it”. So… one problem at a time, I began getting answers, solving issues and I ate.

I searched for answers. And I found them. We began a new medicine and three months later, I now see glimpses of my momma. The momma that I’ve known and loved for years is returning to me. And with that… I can find myself again. I can let go a bit and start taking care of me again.

So today, August 31st, 2009 begins a new day. I know it is not going to be easy. I know that I am going to have the struggles I had 19 months ago. I know this time, it may even be worse. I know that I have to do it for my children & my grandchildren, because once again – I don’t have the strength to do it for me.

I’ve made a vow. I will do this. I will log my food. I will drink my water. I will begin taking part in SparkPeople again. I will lose the 112 sticks of butter (28 lbs. total!) that I have put back on this body. I will become that independent, self sufficient, outgoing, funny mom, gramma, daughter & friend that I once was… I will begin this journey again & I will regain my self.

Today I am accepting my responsibility to myself – I am on my way to growing up – NOT growing out!