Sometimes Boyfriends...

... ask the hardest questions.

Let me preface that by telling you... I got back on the horse Monday. Back on the exercise horse, that is. I've been trying to "watch" what I'm eating... even when I'm not eating right... I am trying to KNOW what I am putting in my mouth. And since Monday was a beautiful day here in the Ozarks, I decided to go for a walk after work.

Bob went with me. It was a 2 mile walk that I thought would never end & that amazed me when I looked at the clock & I was only gone for 35 minutes! Whew... it was a long, long 35 minutes.

Last night was no different. Home from work. Changed into some walking clothes. Off to the community track. Two miles took 30 minutes and I was still glad... thankful when it was over... Though I do think I could have gone another mile...

And then this morning... Bob & I are talking about our walk & how even though I am going to Indiana tomorrow & he'll be here, he still needs to walk... And out of the blue, he asks... "Why don't you do SparkPeople again? That really seemed to work. I don't know why you stopped in the first place?"

I sat in amazement. Did he NOT know what I've been through the last 9 months? Was he not here? Where was he? I thought he was here... I thought he was aware of my depression, my sadness, my heart being broke...

I answered him... "I've not given up SP. I do it every day." He said..."But you aren't following it... Are you?" Ah... boyfriends. Sometimes they say the worse things... the dumbest things... and yet... get right to the core, don't they?

And he's right. It did work. And I haven't been following it. Logging my food was one of the VERY BEST things I did for me. Posting on the boards was a VERY good thing for me, because to me, helping others through their journey... helped me on mine.

My mom's illness really affected me. My momma stopped being my momma for awhile.. through no fault of her own.. and I became the caregiver & the one that had to be strong. For her. For my sisters. For my brother. I had to be the one to take care of things... and so I stopped caring for myself. Looking back on it... NOT the smartest thing I've ever done.. but who among us is perfect?

The key is .... I believe... is to look forward. To learn from your mistakes and to not make them again. And though, I am not back on SP full force... posting, logging... I am back.. and beginning my journey again. A bit older... a bit heavier... and definitely a bit wiser.

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Growing Up... Not Growing Out!

Today is THE DAY. I've said it for weeks. I have GOT to get back on my journey. Life doesn't stand still for anyone and it certainly hasn't stood still for me. The last eight (yes, count them!) months have been crazy, busy, sad, depressing and all in all, uncontrollable. I have been through so many things and all of them have added to the weight on my body.

I started this journey on January 11th, 2008. I did extremely well. I began the journey knowing that I had to do it for my children & my grandchildren. I had to - because I did not feel worthy of doing it for me. I knew my children & my granddaughters deserved more than a heavy, sluggish, overweight & yes, fat momma & gramma & I knew it was up to me to get healthy for them.

I was successful. During the first 13 months of my journey, I lost a total of 70 lbs. That's 280 sticks of butter, for those of you counting.... I felt better. I could walk places. I could ride a bicycle, I could play on the floor with my grandbabies & I could shop for hours. I no longer wanted to just come home and collapse into a chair... I was ACTIVE.

And then my life turned upside down. I began receiving calls from different sources telling me of my momma’s memory or lack thereof. Calls came frequent with different problems occurring with mom. I became a frequent driver to momma’s, traveling down every few days to go to appointments, doctors, etc. In March, momma was diagnosed with Senile Dementia. I was told there was nothing to be done. She was just “old” as her doctor told me. I refused to believe that. I went into “fix it” mode.

On June 2nd, 2009, momma was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease & my life, as I knew it, ended. I was depressed before, but now, even more so. I knew momma wasn’t the momma I knew and loved however with this diagnosis came also the end to that relationship.

During this time, I began eating. Anything. Everything. You name it – I ate it. I didn’t care. I was to busy trying to find answers. I was to busy to plan my food, to busy to even care about me. I was depressed. All I knew was that my momma and Lorna depended on me and I had to solve these problems. It was up to me. I had to take care of THEM. I had to “fix it”. So… one problem at a time, I began getting answers, solving issues and I ate.

I searched for answers. And I found them. We began a new medicine and three months later, I now see glimpses of my momma. The momma that I’ve known and loved for years is returning to me. And with that… I can find myself again. I can let go a bit and start taking care of me again.

So today, August 31st, 2009 begins a new day. I know it is not going to be easy. I know that I am going to have the struggles I had 19 months ago. I know this time, it may even be worse. I know that I have to do it for my children & my grandchildren, because once again – I don’t have the strength to do it for me.

I’ve made a vow. I will do this. I will log my food. I will drink my water. I will begin taking part in SparkPeople again. I will lose the 112 sticks of butter (28 lbs. total!) that I have put back on this body. I will become that independent, self sufficient, outgoing, funny mom, gramma, daughter & friend that I once was… I will begin this journey again & I will regain my self.

Today I am accepting my responsibility to myself – I am on my way to growing up – NOT growing out!