Sometimes Boyfriends...

... ask the hardest questions.

Let me preface that by telling you... I got back on the horse Monday. Back on the exercise horse, that is. I've been trying to "watch" what I'm eating... even when I'm not eating right... I am trying to KNOW what I am putting in my mouth. And since Monday was a beautiful day here in the Ozarks, I decided to go for a walk after work.

Bob went with me. It was a 2 mile walk that I thought would never end & that amazed me when I looked at the clock & I was only gone for 35 minutes! Whew... it was a long, long 35 minutes.

Last night was no different. Home from work. Changed into some walking clothes. Off to the community track. Two miles took 30 minutes and I was still glad... thankful when it was over... Though I do think I could have gone another mile...

And then this morning... Bob & I are talking about our walk & how even though I am going to Indiana tomorrow & he'll be here, he still needs to walk... And out of the blue, he asks... "Why don't you do SparkPeople again? That really seemed to work. I don't know why you stopped in the first place?"

I sat in amazement. Did he NOT know what I've been through the last 9 months? Was he not here? Where was he? I thought he was here... I thought he was aware of my depression, my sadness, my heart being broke...

I answered him... "I've not given up SP. I do it every day." He said..."But you aren't following it... Are you?" Ah... boyfriends. Sometimes they say the worse things... the dumbest things... and yet... get right to the core, don't they?

And he's right. It did work. And I haven't been following it. Logging my food was one of the VERY BEST things I did for me. Posting on the boards was a VERY good thing for me, because to me, helping others through their journey... helped me on mine.

My mom's illness really affected me. My momma stopped being my momma for awhile.. through no fault of her own.. and I became the caregiver & the one that had to be strong. For her. For my sisters. For my brother. I had to be the one to take care of things... and so I stopped caring for myself. Looking back on it... NOT the smartest thing I've ever done.. but who among us is perfect?

The key is .... I believe... is to look forward. To learn from your mistakes and to not make them again. And though, I am not back on SP full force... posting, logging... I am back.. and beginning my journey again. A bit older... a bit heavier... and definitely a bit wiser.

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Growing Up... Not Growing Out!

Today is THE DAY. I've said it for weeks. I have GOT to get back on my journey. Life doesn't stand still for anyone and it certainly hasn't stood still for me. The last eight (yes, count them!) months have been crazy, busy, sad, depressing and all in all, uncontrollable. I have been through so many things and all of them have added to the weight on my body.

I started this journey on January 11th, 2008. I did extremely well. I began the journey knowing that I had to do it for my children & my grandchildren. I had to - because I did not feel worthy of doing it for me. I knew my children & my granddaughters deserved more than a heavy, sluggish, overweight & yes, fat momma & gramma & I knew it was up to me to get healthy for them.

I was successful. During the first 13 months of my journey, I lost a total of 70 lbs. That's 280 sticks of butter, for those of you counting.... I felt better. I could walk places. I could ride a bicycle, I could play on the floor with my grandbabies & I could shop for hours. I no longer wanted to just come home and collapse into a chair... I was ACTIVE.

And then my life turned upside down. I began receiving calls from different sources telling me of my momma’s memory or lack thereof. Calls came frequent with different problems occurring with mom. I became a frequent driver to momma’s, traveling down every few days to go to appointments, doctors, etc. In March, momma was diagnosed with Senile Dementia. I was told there was nothing to be done. She was just “old” as her doctor told me. I refused to believe that. I went into “fix it” mode.

On June 2nd, 2009, momma was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease & my life, as I knew it, ended. I was depressed before, but now, even more so. I knew momma wasn’t the momma I knew and loved however with this diagnosis came also the end to that relationship.

During this time, I began eating. Anything. Everything. You name it – I ate it. I didn’t care. I was to busy trying to find answers. I was to busy to plan my food, to busy to even care about me. I was depressed. All I knew was that my momma and Lorna depended on me and I had to solve these problems. It was up to me. I had to take care of THEM. I had to “fix it”. So… one problem at a time, I began getting answers, solving issues and I ate.

I searched for answers. And I found them. We began a new medicine and three months later, I now see glimpses of my momma. The momma that I’ve known and loved for years is returning to me. And with that… I can find myself again. I can let go a bit and start taking care of me again.

So today, August 31st, 2009 begins a new day. I know it is not going to be easy. I know that I am going to have the struggles I had 19 months ago. I know this time, it may even be worse. I know that I have to do it for my children & my grandchildren, because once again – I don’t have the strength to do it for me.

I’ve made a vow. I will do this. I will log my food. I will drink my water. I will begin taking part in SparkPeople again. I will lose the 112 sticks of butter (28 lbs. total!) that I have put back on this body. I will become that independent, self sufficient, outgoing, funny mom, gramma, daughter & friend that I once was… I will begin this journey again & I will regain my self.

Today I am accepting my responsibility to myself – I am on my way to growing up – NOT growing out!

Have I finally decided....

... that I'M WORTH IT?

Wow... Last night I wrote a blog about finally having a success.. Finally after days and days of giving in to, what I am calling, the "Hungry Monster" (I think perhaps I should also name him the "Snack Monster"), I made a vow to myself that I would not eat after 7:30 pm. AND... surprising to even myself... that vow WORKED.

Then, I logged into SP like I always do... and I have several comments on the blog from others saying that they too have had this "visit from the Hungry Monster" and that they are going to make a vow to themselves too... And as I was replying to everyone... I just realized...

I kept a VOW that I made to MYSELF... I couldn't let myself down by failing that vow... I had to do it for ME...

Let me repeat: I kept a VOW that I made to MYSELF... I did it for ME.

Wow... for those of you that don't know... I started this journey almost 16 months ago because my grandchildren deserved to have a better Gramma-K. My sons and daughter deserved to be proud of their momma... I had to do it for them... because I wasn't strong enough to do it for me. I didn't think I was important enough to do it for me...

So the revelation this morning that I actually kept a VOW that I made to MYSELF... has bells and whistles going off in my ears... lightbulbs flashing in my head... I couldn't let MYSELF DOWN. I AM IMPORTANT ENOUGH THAT I HAD TO KEEP MY VOW!!

And that, my friends... is a totally NEW THOUGHT!

What to do... what to do...

... I'm not as active on SP as I was a month ago. I'm not posting, nor reading, nor really taking much part in anything... My 50th birthday party came and went... and then the bottom fell out of my world and I just haven't been able to get back into the swing of things...

Turning 50, was a milestone...when I was young, I remember thinking that I would not live a long, full life...Negative thinking, I suppose, however, with my upbringing... it was a natural thought... I reached 17 yrs. old, then 20, then 25, then 30... and in, what seemed to be, a blink of an eye... I turned 50. I relish this age, actually. I am proud that I feel (and look) better than I did when I turned 49. I am able to do much more... I've grown inside..and shrunk on the outside... and 50 for me... is being the best I can be.

And when I say "the bottom fell out of my world"... I think my heart broke at the same time. My momma is experiencing beginning Dementia or beginning Alzheimers... I am not really quite sure which... a Doctor's appt. is on the horizon to find out for sure... and in the meantime... I've taken over more responsibility with her finances and the running of her household. At the same time that I am desperately trying to do the best for her and my sister, Lorna, (who has Down's Syndrome) I've become the target as well... Her target... and though my head knows that she isn't aware of her actions or her behavior, well, my heart... my heart is breaking right before my eyes... and I am sinking.

Oh, some days are better than others. Yesterday, I took my daughter's advice and didn't call momma. Yesterday was a good day. Today, I thought I'd call and see how see how she is... I would keep the conversation light and about nothing that would, perhaps, trigger an episode... and so I did... and it was an okay conversation, and yet, here I am ... teary eyed and wondering what the answer is... Where do I go? What support is there? Am I really strong enough for this challenge? And how can I keep this stressful time from ruining EVERYTHING that I have worked so hard in the last year to accomplish?

Mr. Hunk...

I've thought about him now and then... wondering when he would pop into the office again... Well, today was the day. Shortly before lunch, I heard the door open and peered around the corner of my desk and there stood Mr. Hunk. No warning. No phone call saying he was coming by. He was just there.

For those of you that have read about Mr. Hunk before... You know what's going on in my head... My heart is starting to race... I immediately notice he's letting his hair grow.... He's wearing the most delicious smelling cologne. My lips won't stop smiling... Mr. Hunk is standing right in front of me... confirming everything I've wrote about him before... a. I still get somewhat nervous around him... b. he's still a handsome man. And c. I still think he is HOT!

I smile, say hello, and ask him how he is doing? He ignored that question and asked me the same. I told him that I was doing good... and you, I asked? He said (with a shrug of his shoulders) "Uh.. I'm okay..." I wanted to say... "You are definitely okay... Yummy, even..." But I, of course, did not say that... I just smiled and asked him what I could do for him? He looked over at one of our floor penguins and said... "You know, that penguin is getting old sitting there..." (He's always after me to give him one of our penguins) I said.. yes, I know... He remarked that he's been trying to get me to give him one of our penguins for three years now... I laughed and told him "yeah, I know that..." Then he said... (yes... wait for it...) "What am I going to have to do to get that penguin from you?" And then he smiled at me...

Oh... please. What a question. I had to bite my tongue. Oh, I wanted to say something... something like.. Well, Mr. Hunk... first you could... But did I? No... I bit my tongue. Why? First... I'm at work. Second... he's a client. Third... Why? Oh, yeah... I'm at work.

There was a lot of conversation in a few short minutes. He gave me his order for coffee and asked me questions about accessories... He teased me constantly while I was looking up his information and all the while, I am trying to compose myself... At one point, he even winked at me.. And why am I still smiling silly three hours later? He asked if I was still exercising... Yes, I said. He said "that's good" ...

And yes, it is.

Very good.