What's Wrong With Me?

.... and why am I in a funk and why can't I get my head back in the weight loss game?

I have no idea. Normally when I slide.... I jump back on the wagon and I'm fine. This time.. though I am eating the "right" things, I seem to be eating either more than I should... or not the proper amount of the right things. I just can't seem to get my head wrapped around it all...

And frankly I am terribly disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed that I have worked so hard and that currently I just seem to have a "whatever" attitude...

I am disappointed that though I get up every day and start over... I'm not in the game like I should be...

I am disappointed that I have worked so hard for 8 months and lately... well, I just don't seem to care.

Perhaps my head has finally won over my heart? I am not sure what is going on... I just don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired.

I'm tired of watching every bite I eat.

I'm tired of wondering if this is my 2nd or 3rd bottle of water...

I'm tired of wondering what I'm going to have for breakfast or lunch or dinner or snacks...

I'm tired of logging on and posting my food intake and scrolling down at the end of the day to see that for the 3rd or 4th day in a roll.. I've gone over my calorie intake.

I'm tired... of being so focused on this...

I'm just... plain tired.

I've tried to figure out what is wrong. I've started "fast track" over..... hasn't helped anything that I can tell....

I feel... disappointed in myself and totally confused ...

Maybe I'm just hormonal? Maybe I'm just totally stressed to the max?

Maybe... I shouldn't make excuses.... I just am not sure where to go from here... I feel lost.

Pay the Piper...

... that's what my momma always said. If you are going to play... you have to pay the piper... and play we did!

Bekah and I had a weekend away to St. Louis to meet my grandbabies (and their parents!) and what started out as great intentions... well, let's just say, I didn't stay on my lifestyle journey track... ha!

I think, this is the first time... in my 224 days of lifestyle change that I absolutely threw caution to the wind... Well, okay, I didn't throw all caution to the wind... I've worked to hard to do that...but I didn't stay on track all the time, and furthermore.. I didn't really worry to much about NOT being on track.

That's a bit strange for me... as this journey has been utmost in my mind during these weeks of change... but alas, I was on vacation. I had my grandbabies... the girls (me, Bekah and my daughter in law, Sarah) went out for "grown up beverages" one night... and ended up having.. well, a couple and some REAL chocolate desserts thrown in for good measure...

So... as momma always said... NOW I am paying the piper. I got on the scale this morning... Up 1.7 lbs.

And as I type that, I have to laugh... it was the best 1.7 lbs. I've ever gained! Lunch at The Hill, shopping, swimming, breakfast with the kids, The Magic House, lunch, nap, dinner at Fitz's, swimming, girls night out, breakfast, Grant's Farm... it was an amazing weekend and the very best 6.8 sticks of butter I've ever gained!

And though I now have to "pay the piper" and get these sticks off of this body... I have no regrets.

Would I do it again? Oh, yeah... in a heartbeat... and probably will over Labor Day when I go to Nashville to see my other son and his wife...

I'm saving my change now... to "pay the piper".

Journaling though I'm not in the mood....

... I'm told journaling helps you get through whatever is going on in your head... I'm not sure what is going on in between these ears of mine, but here goes... fingertips to keyboard... and we'll see what comes up.

Life is changing for me... I'm "shrinking" on the outside and my world is seemingly expanding on the inside... Not sure what quite is happening except the world is opening up again for me... perhaps my own self closed the world a few years ago... but now... well, it is knocking on my door and I can't seem to keep from opening it... nor do I really want to.

My mind is ever busy... Work, home, walk, bike ride, bed, work... and my self... my inner self... is changing... or perhaps not really changing but reverting back to the me I was years ago...

I'm more outgoing than I remember being for awhile.. and that... well, is outgoing as I have always (since early marriage, anyway) been very outgoing. I'm outspoken, which, as you know is not always a good thing... I'm more self confident... I'm self assured... I am loving who I am seeing in the mirror and who I am becoming... or perhaps I should say, who I am returning to.

I am being flirted with more often now... and that is strange... and yet exciting all at the same time. I think it is awfully nice to be appreciated and to be told you look great... you're sexy... and to see yourself in someone else's eyes... It's been a very, very long time...

Sigh. Almost 50 years old.. and finally finding me... ?