My dad...

... arrived in Missouri this week.  No, he didn't call me to announce his arrival nor did he call me to talk or to ask if I would get together with him.  He called Ben.  Ben text me.  And I, well I was torn.

Do I see him or do I not?  Many things went through my mind but mostly thoughts of protecting momma and Lorna.  I knew that dad would ask about them and I knew with them being in Springfield, he might want to see Lorna... and that I could never allow to happen.  I was torn.  My heart misses having a dad in my life but my mind knows that this man will never be my dad ever again.

I battled with the decision for hours.  I cried.  I was sad.  And in the end, I decided that I needed to take care of me and not worry that Ben might be upset that I didn't go with him, or worry that this man that is my biological father would be upset that I didn't show up, I needed to take care of me and do what I need for once.

I spend so much of my free time (and work time) taking care of others.  I need to think about me and what I need now and not push it aside to do what others "want" me to do.  And so, I decided not to go see my father.  A man that probably from this day forward might as well be dead to me.  I decided not to go see him.  He never called me to say he was in town or that he wanted to see me as he did Ben, so I decided that if he had really wanted to see me, he would have called and he would have treated me the same as he did Ben.  So I didn't go see my father.  I didn't lend the support that Ben had asked for, instead, I drove to mom's and visited with her and Lorna for almost 3 hours.  Protecting them, perhaps, however for me, I was putting my energy where I knew it was valued.  My loyalty lies with my momma as she is the one that loves me and has cared for me when no one else has.  She is where I want to put my energy and not in a man that only sees fit to make contact when it's convenient to him.

I miss having a dad, however, I don't miss the man that fathered me.  He's gone forever.