What to do... what to do...

... I'm not as active on SP as I was a month ago. I'm not posting, nor reading, nor really taking much part in anything... My 50th birthday party came and went... and then the bottom fell out of my world and I just haven't been able to get back into the swing of things...

Turning 50, was a milestone...when I was young, I remember thinking that I would not live a long, full life...Negative thinking, I suppose, however, with my upbringing... it was a natural thought... I reached 17 yrs. old, then 20, then 25, then 30... and in, what seemed to be, a blink of an eye... I turned 50. I relish this age, actually. I am proud that I feel (and look) better than I did when I turned 49. I am able to do much more... I've grown inside..and shrunk on the outside... and 50 for me... is being the best I can be.

And when I say "the bottom fell out of my world"... I think my heart broke at the same time. My momma is experiencing beginning Dementia or beginning Alzheimers... I am not really quite sure which... a Doctor's appt. is on the horizon to find out for sure... and in the meantime... I've taken over more responsibility with her finances and the running of her household. At the same time that I am desperately trying to do the best for her and my sister, Lorna, (who has Down's Syndrome) I've become the target as well... Her target... and though my head knows that she isn't aware of her actions or her behavior, well, my heart... my heart is breaking right before my eyes... and I am sinking.

Oh, some days are better than others. Yesterday, I took my daughter's advice and didn't call momma. Yesterday was a good day. Today, I thought I'd call and see how see how she is... I would keep the conversation light and about nothing that would, perhaps, trigger an episode... and so I did... and it was an okay conversation, and yet, here I am ... teary eyed and wondering what the answer is... Where do I go? What support is there? Am I really strong enough for this challenge? And how can I keep this stressful time from ruining EVERYTHING that I have worked so hard in the last year to accomplish?