And these ... are the days...

Reading back on my last post or two... I have been quite... well, negative and, for lack of a better word, depressed. I wish I could say what the problem is... I am not really quite sure that I know. I do know that I am going through a part of my life that is called (according to a recent seminar I attended) peri-menopausal. Which basically means that I am not Menopausal. Yet. Of course, that's the good news. Whereas the bad news is that I still FEEL menopausal. I am experiencing all the menopause symptoms, and that frankly... is a drag.

So.. what to do? Normally? Well, normally, I let my peri-menopausal symptons run my life... It's not like I'm not dealing with a lot of stuff right now. I was given a "promotion" of Sales Director and put directly in charge of the new outside salesman, who I might add, had never sold a thing - not even a Girl Scout cookie AND who is young enough to be one of my sons! I am on a lifestyle journey that is changing every little thing that I know and have known about food and how I react to it, I'm exercising, my body is changing, my clothes no longer fit, AND I'm peri-menopausal on top of all of that? Truly, tell me, how much better is this going to get?

I decided 104 days ago to make a lifestyle journey change. I've given myself a year to become more healthy, to "learn" to like exercise (not sure that will EVER happen) and to ultimately lose a lot of this weight I've been carrying around for years. For my children, for my grandchildren... but mostly, I'm doing it for ME.

So today, I've made another decision. I've decided that I will make an honest effort to be more stable. After receiving an email from my son, Dan, and being, perhaps jolted to reality... I've decided that I would rather be as proactive as possible with what life is handing me than to let it control my life. So even though I can't change the things that are happening inside my head AND my emotions, I can be proactive in dealing with them. I've ordered my herbs, I've made an appointment with my Gyno to discuss what's happening and maybe take one step further in order to better deal with it, AND ... I'm going to try my best to take a quote from Sparkpeople (quite literally) that says:

"Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always try to be a little more kind than necessary."

Dan, you inspire me to be a better person. Thanks for caring about me. I love you.

Depressed and I really don't care....

...about anything. I'm in a funk. A mood. Nothing I do is seemingly working to bring me out of this funk and all I want to do is cry. Why? How do I know? I have no idea except that I am depressed....

... and I really don't care.

About anything.

Or anyone.

Right now.

Period.

It's been over 11 weeks...

... and I am still at it! Eleven weeks of eating better... exercising (finally - took me FOREVER to actually start!), treating myself better and wanting a healthier lifestyle. The good news is that after 11 weeks of ... well, not so much a struggle as simply a change, I have lost a grand total of 25.6 lbs. If I have calculated correctly (my being no math scholar by any means!) that is a total of 102 sticks of butter ... If you can imagine that...

ONE HUNDRED AND TWO STICKS OF BUTTER? Does one even BUY butter in sticks anymore? Well, okay, yes... occasionally, if you are going to bake!

I can tell you this... My mind can not even begin to fathom 102 sticks of butter! 102 sticks of butter? Are you serious? Where on this body did it fit? Seriously 102 sticks?

It's amazing to me. To much to fathom... and to think that I have many more sticks of butter to lose! Yikes. I often wonder how in the world this happened to me... Where was I when all of a sudden this weight landed on top of me and spread itself so thickly in place?

The truth is .... I was right here... Not paying one bit of attention. And really, how sad is that?

That's over though now... Now I account for every bite. Now I watch everything... I eat and probably even what other's eat.. though, obviously, it's not any of my business!

I can't wait till May... I want to see Dan's eyes when he sees me many pounds lighter... I want him to be able to hug me and fit his entire arms around me... I want to be able to see him be proud of his momma... I want to be able to run and play with my granddaughters and not grow weary... I want Bekah to be proud of me... and Josh to be surprised. Most of all... I want to be healthier... and more fit... than I have been in a very, very long time.